Gentle Hauntings

Am I going insane?

2011-02-24T21:25:00.000-08:00

I have been tripping, falling, misplacing things and just overall feel like I am slowly losing my mind.

I feel a lot like this poem, which is one of my most fave poems of all time:

The Explorer
Somehow to find a still spot in the noise
Was the frayed inner want, the winding, the frayed hope
Whose tatters he kept hunting through the din.
A velvet peace somewhere.
A room of wily hush somewhere within.

So tipping down the scrambled halls he set
Vague hands on throbbing knobs. There were behind
Only spiraling, high human voices,
The scream of nervous affairs,
Wee griefs,
Grand griefs. And choices.

He feared most of all the choices, that cried to be taken.

There were no bourns.
There were no quiet rooms.

--Gwendolyn Brooks

Sorry to be so short on my first entry back, but my head really isn't in a place to write right now. Oh and a big thanks to Jacquelyn of Should I Blog That? for making my incredible header!

A LOST Fanfic ~ A Light in the Dark

2010-11-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

Title: A Light in the Dark
Rating: PG-13
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: Set after Exodus Part 1 when Jack tells Kate that he doesn't know what she is capable of. Even if you don’t watch Lost, I think you will all enjoy the story! I hope you all like and comments are pure love *smiles*

#Disclaimer#

I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "Lost". They were created by JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelof and they belong to them, Touchstone, and ABC.

Chapter 1

The fire crackled as Kate sat there in a daze. She simply could not believe what had happened. Not only had Sawyer exposed her criminal ways to everyone, and then Jack had the nerve to question what she was capable of. Kate stared stoically ahead and watched as the moonlight kissed the water.

Suddenly, she felt a presence walking up and instinctively she knew it was Jack. Kate didn't acknowledge him as he took a place beside her. They both sat in silence as Jack kept glancing over at her nervously.

Jack decided it was time to break the silence. "I shouldn't have said what I did."

"But you did, and you can't take it back. I don’t want to talk about it," Kate said in a low voice as she continued to look straight ahead. A tear escapes and slides down her cheek.

Jack went on, "I know what you are capable of. You are capable of taking care of yourself, you are capable of caring, you are capable of helping...”

Kate cut him off and looked at Jack angrily. "But what I COULD be capable of scares you. You had your chance to know, Jack. I think it's best to go back to what I know best. To be a shadow in the dark, so no one can truly see me."

Jack could only sigh and shake his head a little. "Kate, I don’t want you in the dark ~ you are my light and I wish you would see that." He got up and put a hand on her back and then began walking away.

Kate could only sit in total shock that he said that and she watched him as he walked off.

"And you are mine, Jack." She said to the disappearing figure and then turned back to her fire.

Chapter 2

Three days had past since Kate, Jack, Hurley and Locke had blown the hatch. No one had gone down the hatch yet, and no one really wanted to. Everyone was living in the caves for safety reasons and Kate had spent the time being alone. She replayed in her mind Jack's gentle caress of her shoulder as he put on her backpack. She couldn't stop thinking about him making sure she had his back. Could she really be opening her heart for him? The thought alone scared her.

She finished getting ready and she headed out of the caves to begin her day of finding fruit and trying to forget that Walt, Jin, Sawyer and Michael were somewhere in the ocean trying to be rescued. She had a bad feeling about that whole situation.

"Kate!" Jack called from the entrance to the caves.

Kate stopped walking to allow Jack time to catch up to her.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in days."

Kate half smiled, "You haven't."

"I think everyone is trying to ignore the fact that there was black smoke and a hatch," Jack stated.

"Can you blame them?" Kate asked.

Locke walked by with his knife and a stone and smiled at the pair.

"Is it just me or is he acting even more odd than usual?" Kate inquired.

"He is holding onto his faith or something. He believes we are all here for a reason or something and that he knows what he needs to do. I am just not sure what that is," Jack said offering a small bit of insight.

"Do you?

"Do I what, Kate?"

"Believe we are all here for a reason?"

Jack looked out to the water and then back at Kate.

"Scientifically, no. We are all here because of a plane crash. But, lately I get the feeling that some of us seem to be here to escape, some to let go, and some to start again. And I am just not sure how we all managed to get on the same plane and find what we have been needing on this god forsaken island. So, maybe, maybe I do, but maybe I don't."

Kate noticed he stared at her a little longer when he mentioned the escape word. She couldn't help but look away as he gave his standard doctor meets science answer. She leaned down and picked up her bag.

"Well, I need to get going and get some fruit."

Jack stopped her with a touch of the shoulder.

"Can I come, you know, for old time's sake?"

Chapter 3

Kate couldn't help but smile and look down at the familiar comment.

"Let's go, for old time's sake," Kate said with that smile Jack loved to see.

They began their decent into the jungle as the other survivors bustled around them. They passed Charlie and Claire, who were arguing over what to use for a diaper for Aaron. Sun was arranging some flowers and twirling her wedding ring. Hurley, Sayid and Shannon were playing some sort of music game. There was a group off to the side just talking. Kate just sighed as she looked around. She couldn't help but feel odd that there was no Michael, Jin and Walt arguing over building the raft and that there was no sarcastic comments about her and Jack going off alone from Sawyer.

"We haven't really had any time alone since that night," Jack said interupting Kate's thoughts.

"I know. It's been .... weird." They must have been walking for a good while before Kate spoke again.

They came up on her favorite fruit tree. "This is my favorite spot. Come here, look."

Jack came closer to Kate as she pointed out to the ocean. She leaned her head against the trunk and smiled.

"Out there ... our other live's are out there somewhere. Some days I want to find that part of me again. The other part of me wants to stay missing forever."

Jack leaned against the trunk. "Our other selves are hard to let go of."

They looked at each other and Kate said, "Despite it all, I am glad I am here."

"Me too," Jack said as he reached for her shoulder.

The moment was interuppted by the sound of a chain and trees being ripped from the ground.

"RUN!" Jack yelled.

Chapter 4

The pair dashed thru the jungle as the rain suddenly began to fall. Tree branches were hitting them in the face and Kate couldn't believe this was happening again. She made the mistake of turning around to see if trees were still coming down and as she did, she tripped and fell hard on a huge fallen tree branch.

"JACK" she yelled as she was suddenly overcome with dizziness.

Jack stopped and turned around and gasped at the amount of blood pouring from Kate's head. Without hesitation, Jack picked up Kate and kept running. The rain continued to pour and they finally made it to the caves. As quickly as the sounds and the rain had come, they were gone.

"Oh my god, Jack, Kate!" Charlie said running to greet them.

"I'm fine, really," Kate interuppted.

Jack laid her down on an airline blanket that Shannon laid out quickly.

Opening the drawers of his makeshift doctor's stand, he pulled out some alcohol and some gauze strips and began cleaning her wound.

"I should know not to look back, I was so stupid," Kate said as she winced in pain.

Jack carefully cleaned her head and bandaged it up in a very delicate, loving manner.

"You are not stupid, Kate. You just were curious to know what the hell was chasing us."

Jack then handed her some asprin and water. "You need to lay down for a while since you did get dizzy."

Kate began to sit up after she took the pills. "Okay, Doc, but I am fine, so I am just going to go about my day."

As she stood, she began to sway and Jack jumped up and caught her. They shared a tender moment as their eyes met and he held her. Kate was the first to look away and then Jack laid her back down ever so carefully.

"Okay, maybe I'll rest just for a bit," Kate said with that smirk. She hated being wrong.

Jack looked down and smiled. "You are so stubborn you know that."

"Yes and I've always had to be."

Jack smiled as he took a seat beside the beauty that captivated him on a daily basis.

"Well, just so you know, I am just as stubborn," Jack said with his signature grin and glance down.

Kate smiled and realized she so enjoyed their moments together.

Charlie rushed over just then, "Is she okay, are you okay?"

Kate smiled. "I am fine, thanks to our good doctor," she said with a wink in Jack's direction.

"You guys never cease to amaze me with your inside jokes," Charlie said, "So what happened, you know, out there?"

"We were about to gather fruit when the sounds started again, and the trees were being knocked down," Jack answered.

"And the rain just came out of nowhere and I tripped and slammed my head into a fallen tree branch," Kate finished.

"Rain, what rain? It hasn't rained here for days." Charlie said.

Chapter 5

Two days had passed since Kate's fall. They had blown off the comment about no rain that Charlie had made by insisting they were just upset about what was going on and that they just thought it had rained. Kate knew otherwise. She may be a lot of things, but crazy was never on her resume'.

Life around the caves had returned to a sense of normalacy, whatever that meant here on the island of mystery. Kate was sitting alone on the beach when Jack sat next to her.

"You look deep in thought," he said as he settled into his spot.

"They have been gone for over 5 days," Kate said without shifting her gaze.

Jack looked down. He couldn't help but wonder why she was so concerned. I mean, he was, too, but not like Kate. She seemed really sad.

"I really need to ask you something. And I don't want you to take offense to it," Jack brought up the subject cautiously.

Kate glanced over at him as her curls fell into her face. Jack carefully reached over and brushed the loose hair out of her face. Kate couldn't help but smile as her eyes followed his hands.

"You seem awfully worried or sad or something about the rafters, now I know that we are all worried, but you, well you seem a different worried, I just want to know .." Jack trailed off due to the look in Kate'e eyes.

"If they make it, police are sure to decend upon this island. And me, well, I would go back to being a prisoner. If they don't make it, it means something happened, either nature taking them or the others finding them, who knows out here ... and well, then that would mean they wouldn't be returning." Kate brought her knees up to her chest. and rested her head on them.

"And what is scaring me is ...." she looked at Jack. "Is I don't want the police to come."

Jack could only put his arm around her then. It was almost instinct. To hold this fragile person, to somehow let her know it would be okay. He sat there and held her as she rested her head on his chest.

Suddenly they both jumped up ~ there was something out there. And it was coming their way.

Chapter 6
Jack put a protective arm out shielding Kate as he walked straining to hear the sound again.

"I don't hear it," Kate said walking closely behind Jack.

Jack stopped and they both strained to hear something, anything. "Nothing." Jack concluded.

Kate stopped and looked at him. "Are we going crazy, first the rain, now this?"

Jack shook his head and grinned, "We are not crazy, Kate. There WAS rain and there WAS a sound just now."

Kate crossed her hands to her chest and glanced back out to the ocean. The sun was starting to set.

"We should probably head back," Kate said.

Jack took this chance to say, "Why don't we, sit for a minute."

Kate looked questionly at him, but agreed and sat down.

"Have you ever seen the sunset, I mean really seen it, and not just glanced at it?" Jack asked.

Kate grinned and looked down, "Actually, no, I haven't."

"Didn't think so."

Kate uneasily kept looking around, "You sure it's safe to stay here after what we heard?"

"If it was hungry, it would have ate the trees," Jack laughingly said trying to keep the mood light, "We are fine, Kate. You don't relax much do you?"

"Look where we are Jack and what has happened. How can I?"

Jack decided again, it was time to take a chance. He scooted around behind Kate and began a slow massage of her shoulders.

"Ohhh my.... Okay, this could get a girl to relax," Kate said glancing back at Jack.

"Don't forget ~ look." He pointed at the sun nestling itself under the horizon. The pink sky sparkled and the remnents of the sun kissed the top of the water. Kate just sighed. What a gorgeous site with a gorgeous man with his hands on her.

"It's breathtaking ...." Kate managed to say as she fell more and more into a deep state of peace.

"So are you." Jack said as he cupped Kate's chin in his hand and turned her towards him.

Their eyes met in a stare that neither one wanted to break. Jack then leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers then took her face in his hands. Kate could only gasp as Jack began a tongue tango and she put her hands around him and the passion and desire between them was so intense. Kate was the first to pull away.

"What, was that wrong," Jack asked as he looked concerned that he had upset her.

"Oh gosh no, it was so right wrong is no longer a word," Kate said and giggled.

She turned back around and Jack took her in his arms and they watched the rest of the sunset together.

"This is amazing," she said.

Another voice broke the peace that the pair had found.

"Amazing that I made it back to this damn island Freckles."

Chapter 7

Jack and Kate jumped up in shock at the figure standing before them, obviously injured and exhausted.

"Oh my god, what happened?!" Jack asked.

"Pirate people attacked, took Walt, shot me, and blew up the damn raft." Sawyer bluntly said.

Kate gasped and put her hand over her mouth. "Where is everyone else?"

Jack just paced and then interuppted, "You were shot? Where? Let me look at you. Let's get to the caves."

"Hold on there Doctor Impatient, I don't wanna go up there 'til you guys know what is going on. I don't want to be bombarded by roving reporters just yet," Sawyer said as he sat on a near by rock clutching his shoulder.

Kate handed him her bottle of water.

"Thank you Nurse." Sawyer sarcastically said then remembered how damn beautiful she was.

Jack leaned closer to Kate at the moment he saw the eye contact Sawyer made with her. He scolded himself for feeling a pang of a jealous heart while there was an obvious crisis going on. But he couldn't help it. He finally opened up to her, and he didn't want to loose that.

"... Are you listening, Jack?" Sawyer questioned interuppting Jack's thoughts.

"I'm sorry, okay, I am listening, go on."

"As I was saying, after we saw the light we were sure we had been rescued. Then they said they would have to take the boy. I mean, come on, what kind of people do that caesar salad?!"

Kate just couldn't believe what she was hearing. Where did these people come from? And, even more scary, were there more and are they still out there?

"What did they look like?" Jack asked.

"Homeless pirates. They were obviously hygeine challenged. I took a protective stance over Walt as soon as they said that and reached for the gun you gave me." Sawyer said looking at Jack.

Kate just looked over at Jack. She didn't know the two shared any time alone before the raft set sail.

As Sawyer rattled the rest of the tale, Kate became lost in thought. She couldn't believe what she was feeling. She was so glad Jack had kissed her. And now, she thought of nothing else except to get Jack alone once again. And here was yet another crisis. So that wouldn't happen anytime soon. She was damn sick of this island and the way it seemed to toy with everyone.

"So Walt is kidnapped? And Jin and Michael are missing. And you, you said you were shot, let me see the shoulder." Jack stated after Sawyer's tale.

"It's a flesh wound, Doc, or I would have needed help as soon as you saw me."

Kate decided to ask a burning question, "Where have you been for 5 days?"

"Where do you think, Nancy Drew? Trying to swim and find you guys again....wait ~ 5 DAYS?"

"Yea, it's been 5 days since the raft set sail." Kate said.

Sawyer began to stand up and pace. "That is impossible. I mean, if it had been 5 days, wouldn't I be dead by now? I found the shore after swimming forever and laid down for just a bit. Then I woke up and felt a little disoriented, but I thought that was normal. It couldn't have been more than 2 hours from the time I woke up to the time I found you guys ...."

Kate and Jack could only look at each other.

"Am I going crazy?" Sawyer said, an echo of Jack and Kate's feelings from earlier.

"Sawyer, I think either the 3 of us are, or something very weird is going on," Jack said in a hesitant voice.

The night sky was now pitch black. Kate looked around and realized they only had the very small fire going from earlier.

"We need to get back, now." Kate said and she realized she was scared.

Sawyer went and lit some branches and handed one to Jack and took one for himself.

"Which way is camp?" Sawyer asked.

"We all are at the caves now. Straight ahead and to the left," Jack said.

"Let's go then," Sawyer said taking the lead.

Jack and Kate held back a little and for the first time, Kate grabbed his hand. Jack just looked at her and realized she had tears in her eyes. He grasped her hand a little tighter and led her long the path.

"We are not crazy, Kate."

"Walt .... gone .... Jin and Michael missing .... Sawyer back and lost some time .... What the hell is happening?" Kate then began to cry.

"Sawyer!" Jack called out. "Go on ahead, you can't miss it, we will be right there."

Sawyer looked bothered and said, "Oh, sure, the Doc and Nurse have to have a conference about the patient, I get it." With that he stormed ahead.

Jack led Kate to a nearby rock and stuck the branch in the ground so the fire would stay lit and up off the ground.

Jack took his thumb and wiped the tears away from Kate's cheek. He hated to see her upset. The only other real time he saw her cry, he was the one who caused it. At least he didn't cause this outburst now.

Kate looked at him and couldn't believe that with that one touch, that one look, Jack could make her feel better. Words were never needed between them.

"I want to be safe again, I want to know that stability is going to be mine one day. Right now, Jack, I don't know that I have that hope anymore." Again, the tears started pouring.

Jack took her in his arms and just held her. With that statement, she not only summed up her fears at the very moment caused by the island's events, but she summed up her emotions for her entire life.

He then took Kate and looked her right in the eyes. "I will do everything to make you feel safe. I want you to believe that. And I want you to see that....that hope is sitting right in front of you," Jack looked down at that statement.

Kate picked his chin up so that he was looking in her eyes. This time, it was Jack's eyes that were filled with tears. Kate leaned in and kissed Jack very lightly on the lips. Then looked at him again.

"You've been my hope since day one."

The fire suddenly went out and then the rain began falling harder. Kate and Jack began to run towards the caves

Chapter 8

Two days had now past since Sawyer returned. The mood around the caves had turned from fear to absolutely terrified and so confused. Even Locke was beginning to look more unsettled these days. Sun was in a state of shock and Sawyer was edgy and growing more and more antsy. Kate and Jack had spent the days together. With the exception of Jack making his "rounds" checking on everyone and instructing no one to go off alone, they were inseperable.

That morning they were out watching the sunrise. The hues of the sky were enough to make Kate sigh outloud and she couldn't help but wish that they were the only two on this earth. The pair were leaning against a rock that Jack had draped with a couple of blankets and they had a breakfast of mango laid out before them.

"What are you thinking?" Jack asked as Kate looked off towards the ocean.

"Do you think they are alive?"

Jack put his head down and covered Kate's hand with his own. "I would be lying if I said yes and I would be lying if I said no. All I know is that we have to have hope that they are alive."

Just then Sawyer walked up and took a spot next to them, leaning closer to Kate. "Hate to interrupt a breakfast of champions, but this sitting around, waiting, well, it's bullcaesar salad."

"And just what else do you think we should do?" Jack asked. "It would be a suicide mission to go out and find them, we don't know what they are capable of or how many might be out there."

Kate flinched at the word capable as Sawyer went on, "Look, I have already talked to Abdul, The Great White Warrior, Shannon and Sun and they are all willing to go. If we went in a larger group, we would stand a better chance."

Jack couldn't help but snicker a little.

"And what the hell is so funny about this?"

"Shannon?! You are telling me Shannon is willing to go do this?" Jack asked still finding it hard to believe.

"You people don't give her enough credit. She is a tough bitch, especially since the island claimed Boone and since she started dating an Iraqi soldier," Sawyer said matter of factly.

Kate immediately said that she would go.

Jack just looked at her. "Kate, you shouldn't, I mean ..."

"I know, but I have never been one to do what I should," she said with a wink.

Jack's cheeks flushed a little and Sawyer just grew more impatient. "Okay, if you two are done flirting and falling all over each other, can we get this show on the road?" he asked standing and looking down at the two.

"Fine. But Sun is not going. If I go, we need her here to help in case there are any medical problems while we are out."

"You tell her that Doctor Tell People What To Do," Sawyer said sarcastically. "I am heading back, and we are leaving in a half an hour," he paused, "With or without you two."

Jack grew frustrated and started to rise but Kate put a hand on him to stay. "What the hell is his problem?"

Kate answered, "Jack, it's Sawyer, if he didn't behave like that, we wouldn't know what to expect." She giggled at this and ate another bite of mango.

"Are you sure you want to go out there? Kate, we don't know what we will be looking for and we don't know what we will find. All we know is we want to find the other 3 but what else?"

"Jack, I am going. I know I can be of help ~ You know I can be of help. And I am damn sure not sitting here waiting on you to get back and not knowing if you are okay or not."

Jack scooted closer to his brunette beauty. His. He loved thinking that. He just wasn't sure if Kate was ready to hear that.

"Well, then, we go. And I guess we should go get packed," Jack said.

"Not before I say something," Kate said.

"Okay ... I am all ears."

Kate paused. She took a breath. She couldn't believe she was about to say what she was. But she had to. She had been holding it in for too long. She leaned in closer to Jack and took in his smell, his ruggedness, his eyes that pierced her soul.

"My life has been a series of disappointments, losses and betrayals. When I got here, I thought it was going to be more of the same. And the first person I meet is someone asking me for help. And someone who told me I wasn't running then," Kate paused to catch her thoughts as right now they seemed to go so fast she didn't want to miss a one of them.

"I have never been one to ask for help and never been one to show my vulnerable side. Most people betray me in the end, so why bother has been my philosophy. But you, you knew from almost the very beginning that I was a criminal of some kind. And you still trusted me to help, trusted me with a gun and trusted me with you ..... with your heart ......" Kate trailed off.

Jack just put his hand over hers again. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Kate looked at this man before her, and felt so safe. "I am getting so long winded here..." she looked down and did her half smile Jack loved.

Jack reached over and took her chin in his hands and said, "I love you,too."

Kate began crying and took Jack in a warm embrace and the two just held each other. Jack then looked at her and began kissing her in the most passionate kiss the two had ever felt. Kate's hands began to run under his shirt and she almost gasped at the muscles that were there. He then left her lips and began kissing her neck in a way that made her moan outloud. He then placed his hand under her shirt and kissed her again and their tongues meshed together in perfect sync. Kate broke it off abruptly.

"What, what is it," Jack said as he kissed her neck again.

"Time's up, let's go," Sawyer said, minus a sarcastic comment.

Jack and Kate hated to have to break this moment but they also knew that going to find their missing friends and Walt was more important for now.Jack just stood and took Kate's hand to help her up. Sawyer came over and handed Kate her backpack and then even handed Jack his.

"Locke packed yours," Sawyer answered the unspoken question. "And since you took so long, I informed Sun of her not going," Sawyer said with an angry tone in his voice.

Ignoring the anger and too happy to start anything, Jack just said, "Thanks."

The three began their walk back to the caves to meet Sayid, Locke and Shannon. Jack and Kate just looked at each other and smiled. Sawyer walked without a word, eyes glazed over and Kate noticed this. He didn't have a sarcastic word in him - because he was hurt.

"There you guys are," Sayid said.

Kate stopped to give Sun a hug and then to say goodbye to Charlie and Claire.

"I really can come if you guys need me," Charlie said.

"You need to be here for Claire," Jack said.

Sun came up to Kate just as she was joining the group again. "Bring them home, bring them home," she said crying.

Kate could only look at her and feel so scared. She hugged her again. "Don't you worry, we are going to find them."

The group grabbed a couple more things and they were off. Jack and Kate walked hand in hand together and both of them couldn't help but think about three things. To find Walt, Michael, and Jin alive. To not let each other get hurt in any way. And to finish what they had just started on the beach.
Chapter 9

Kate couldn’t believe she was walking hand in hand with a man who just said he loved her. She didn’t think she would ever hear those words again. Sayid led the way while Locke, Sawyer and Shannon trailed behind. Kate could only smile as she felt as if her and Jack were on their own walk. The looks Jack kept giving her made her melt inside. They weren’t even sure exactly where they were going except that Sayid had some plan worked out as to where the Others might be. Charlie and him had found the source of the black smoke and that is where they were heading for first. Where they would go from there, they wouldn’t know until they got there.

“This ain’t no damn lover’s walk, pick up the pace you two,” Sawyer said to the pair in an utter annoyance.

“Shut up Sawyer, let’s just focus on what we are out here to do,” Sayid said.

“Whatever Captain Desert Storm.”

Kate and Jack kept quiet, still in their own world. Kate kept looking at Jack, eyeing him up and down. Damn, he was sexy, she thought. Her thoughts were interrupted by an ear-piercing scream.

The group stopped and looked around.

“What the hell was that?!” Shannon asked incredulously as Sayid rushed to her side.

Jack broke away from Kate and walked forward and looked around to the right. Sawyer did the same to the left and Locke kept walking.

“Locke! Where are you going?” Kate called.

All Locke could do was turn around and hold his finger to his lips. “Shhhh.”

The group just looked at each other and followed and Locke stopped at a backpack on the ground. He lifted it and looked thru it.

“Liz Chapman. Do we know her?” he asked.

Kate spoke up. “Yes, she helps Sun and me with our garden.” She then just looked around. “What was she doing out here? And where is she now?”

“That was definitely her screaming,” Shannon said with a terrified look in her eyes.

“caesar salad! People are just wondering around screaming out here. Where the hell did our Flower Girl run to? It ain’t like there is anywhere to run to out here,” Sawyer said looking around and seeing nothing but trees.

“Okay, look. We can’t just stand here. Let’s keep moving forward, please. And now, let’s just add Liz to the list of friends we need to find okay,” Kate interjected.

“She is right, we can’t waste daylight sitting here trying to figure it out, let’s just go,” Sayid agreed.

He took Shannon’s hand and joined Locke at the forefront of the group while Sawyer strayed behind and watched as Jack took a protective spot right next to Kate. That bastard, Sawyer thought. He could only look at him with a glare that could have shot right thru him.

Suddenly the wind picked up and a huge branch fell and landed right in front of Jack and Kate causing Kate to trip and Jack to jump back. Sawyer stood there in some sort of shock and the other three ran up to help.

“What – what happened?” Kate asked as Shannon lifted her up.

Jack looked around and then ran to Kate, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, just dazed. Where did that wind come from?” Kate asked.

Locke, Sayid and Shannon just looked at them. “There was no wind, Kate, just the branch fell,” Locke looked at her with some sort of sympathy in his eyes.

“I am not making this up!”

“She’s right O Warrior, I felt that wind, too,” Sawyer said.

“Me too,” Jack said.

The six of them just looked at each other as Sawyer, Kate and Jack all shared the same connection of wondering if they were crazy once again.

“Okay, fine, let’s just keep going please,” Locke said walking on ahead of the group.

“He’s right,” Jack said as the 5 of them huddled in a circle, “Let’s just go.”

A scream was heard as the 5 of them looked toward where Locke was standing. Only he wasn’t there, but his backpack was.

Chapter 10

“What the hell? Locke! This ain’t no damn time to be playing games!” Sawyer called out.

Shannon looked at Sayid, “Where did he go?!”

Jack walked over to Locke’s pack, and surveyed the ground. Sayid and Sawyer searched the immediate area. Nothing. Shannon began crying and Kate reached out and gave her a hug.

“Well, what do we do?” Kate asked, on the verge of tears herself.

The guys were just as perplexed and looked at each other. They shared the same thought – they didn’t want the girls to get worked up. But, they didn’t know what to do either. For the first time, they were all perplexed and at a standstill. Sawyer decided to break the silence.

“Before we go any further, we need to regroup. I mean, if our Great Warrior is at risk, we are all at risk.”

“Sawyer’s right,” Jack said surprising himself with those words, “We need to devise a better plan before we go thru with this.”

“So we head back, then, “Sayid said.

“It’s probably the best idea until we can figure out another way of defending ourselves out here. Whatever is happening, or taking us, well, we need to be ready,” Jack said.

“What do we tell everyone?” Kate said thinking of Sun’s desperation.

“Not a damn thing Freckles.”

“Oh and so when we come back without Locke, not a soul is going to question that huh?” Shannon asked in an annoyed tone.

“Sticks, I just don’t think it is right we scare the whole damn island when we don’t have explanation one as to what the hell might be going on out here,” Sawyer said defiantly.

Kate paused before saying something. She couldn’t believe that she was about to say this, “Guys, as much as we don’t want to be out here, I kind of agree with Sawyer, we can’t go back without Locke and not offer something. If we go back without Locke, we are going to scare them. I hate to say this, but we need to set up camp somewhere out here and strategize.”

Everyone just stared at her. Jack finally said, “She’s right,” and he took a spot next to Kate.

“Fine, we set up camp. We need to do so now, before it gets dark,” Sayid said.

Shannon was reluctant, but stood next to Sayid in agreement. They all then looked at Sawyer.

“While I think this is a stupid, idiotic idea, we don’t have a damn choice. But we are not going to set up here in the middle of Camp Crystal Lake. We are going to go to a cave I,” he paused, “WE found before,” he finished eyeing Kate.

Kate couldn’t believe he had brought that up. Jack looked at Kate with a look that showed his confusion, a little bit of hurt, and a whole lot of jealousy.

“What is he talking about?”

“Oh, someone didn’t tell the good doc about our little swim and discovery, huh?”

Kate turned to Jack, “Remember when I brought the case to you, it was us who found it as we were swimming. There is a cave about the water – we didn’t go in, but it’s there,” she explained hoping this would appease him.

Shannon and Sayid looked a bit uncomfortable. “Can you take us back there?” Sayid decided to ask and stop this, well, whatever this was.

“I have the path memorized,” Sawyer said with a wink at Kate.

Sawyer led the way and the group followed. Jack and Kate headed up the back and noticeable to both of them, they weren’t holding hands.

Chapter 11

After walking for what seemed like forever, the group came up on the waterfall which was so familiar to Kate. She looked over at Jack and could only see hurt in his expression.

“Cave’s this way,” Sawyer said with another wink at Kate.

Jack only rolled his eyes and walked on ahead. Sayid joined them and left Shannon and Kate behind a bit.

“I think we need to go in first and make sure it’s safe and sound before bringing the girls in.”

“Good idea,” Jack agreed.

“Abdul here has a plan. To leave you girls out here alone so that we can go in to check that the cave is safe. Now, watch for anything that might eat you and we will be back,” Sawyer said sarcastically.

“Fine, I’ll stay with them, you guys go on in,” Jack said.

Sawyer could only look at Jack in disgust as him and Sayid headed in the cave. Shannon took a seat at the water’s edge and put her feet in.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this place sooner,” Kate said looking up at Jack with hope.

“Yea, me, too,” he looked off at the waterfall, “But, we can make our own memories.”

Kate smiled and instantly fell into a warm embrace. He was the most amazing man and had this way about him that made her feel like everything was going to be okay.

An angry voice clearing easily broke up their moment.

“If you two are done doing your thing, the cave is safe,” Sawyer said irritated he couldn’t think of something more sarcastic to say.

Shannon reluctantly got up from her spot, and the three of them headed to the cave. Once inside, their breath was caught in an instant.

“Wow,” Shannon said looking around.

“Is it just me, or does it glow in here?” Kate asked.

“There is a definite glow, not sure what it is though,” Sayid said.

Jack was speechless and Sawyer said, “Look, it’s a damn cave, there ain’t nothing pretty about anything found on this island. Can we just unpack and get situated here instead of taking inventory for the next Design on a Dime show?”

Everyone started unpacking the necessary things to make the cave a decent place to stay. Jack helped Kate pick through her things to see what she would need. The two were giggling as they did this. Shannon and Sayid were in their own world and also laughing and sharing jokes. Sawyer couldn’t help but get angry.

‘This is bullcaesar salad,’ he thought to himself. He immediately glared at Jack. Kate was supposed to be his, not Jack’s. Then Jack would be the one left out. He caught Kate’s eye as she glanced over at him.

Kate was almost taken aback at the pure hatred she saw in Sawyer’s eyes as he looked at Jack. Kate turned away to grab another blanket when a thud was heard.

“Ouch!” Jack said as he hit the ground, hard.

Kate checked his head as she lifted him up. “What happened?”

Sayid and Shannon ran over to check and Sawyer could only stand there frozen.

“It felt like someone pushed me,” Jack said dazed from both his head hurting and what had just happened.

“No one was near you, Jack, you had to have fallen,” Sayid reasoned.

Kate held Jacks’ head as she looked for something to wrap it up with. “My bag, Kate, there is some gauze in there.”

Sawyer finally came out of his trancelike state. All he could do was mumble inaudibly, “You deserved it.”

Chapter 12

Night began to fall as Sawyer was out gathering wood for the fire. Sayid and Shannon were off in their own world talking about the day’s events. And Kate and Jack were huddled together in a blanket.

“This isn’t exactly the romantic evening I had planned,” Jack said looking down at Kate.

Kate smiled and looked up. “Any evening with you is romantic.” Their eyes met as she said this and Jack just smiled and then leaned down for a kiss. Their lips met in unison and Jack’s hand took Kate’s face in his hands so he could feel more of her. Their tongues danced wildly together and they forgot they were in the company of others. Even if it were just for that moment, they were able to forget that people were missing and danger was lurking in the shadows.

A loud thud echoed throughout the cave sending both couples on a express trip back to reality.

“Wood’s here….And you are welcome,” Sawyer said as he left the pile of wood he had just made and went off into his corner of the cave.

Sayid was the first to jump up, followed by Jack. The two got the wood together in a pile as Kate glanced at Jack, silently asking permission. As Jack gave her a concerned okay, she walked back to where Sawyer sat.

“Oh no, I don’t want a pity chat, and I don’t want your damn sympathy.”

“Sawyer, look, whether we like it or not, we are in this together. ALL of us. This situation is less than ideal for us all, but we have to make it work….”

“caesar salad, you ain’t gonna give us the ‘stay together or die alone’ speech are ya? You two are sounding more and more alike as time passes, huh?”

Kate looked a little wounded by the last comment but also, somewhere inside her, she was proud. If she was sounding like Jack,that made her happy. Anything to be near to her fate. She decided that if there was anything on this island to put faith in, as Locke had stated, she was going to do just that. Her faith rested with Jack.

“Dammit, Belle of Jack’s Ball, look, you came over here to talk, and now you go spacing out, I don’t need that kind of company. Go, go be with your Knight, and leave me the hell alone.” With that, Sawyer faced the cave wall and looked as mad as ever.

“Why can’t you realize that just because some people don’t love you the way you want them do, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have?!” Kate fumed as she stood to leave.

Sawyer jumped up and grabbed Kate’s arm, twisting her around hard. “Let go!”

Jack rushed over and glared at Sawyer. “What the hell are you doing? Let her go.”

“Fine,” Sawyer said but didn’t. “Before I let you run back off with Doctor Fixer-Upper, I want you to remember one thing. The kiss. There was more to that than getting the Princess’ inhalers back and you know it!”

Kate suddenly became limp and fell to the ground as Sawyer finally let go of her. She grasped at her chest and couldn’t breathe.

“Baby! What’s wrong?”

“So, it’s baby now? That is too much,” Sawyer said.

“Not NOW!” Jack yelled.

Shannon rushed over with Sayid. “She looks like she is having an asthma attack!”

“I ….. don’t ……. Have ………. Asthma.” Kate struggled to say.

Jack held her and rubbed her back as he asked her standard doctor’s questions but couldn’t get a response out of her. Shannon ran off and came back with the medicine Sun had given to her for her attacks.

“Give this to her,” Shannon said, offering it to Jack.

As Jack did this, he looked into her eyes and realized his heart was in her hands. If anything happened to her, he would break and no one could fix him. Kate’s breathing slowly returned to normal and she looked up at Jack and he gave her a sweet kiss and she merely said, “Thank you.”

“Thank Shannon, she diagnosed you,” Jack said.

Sayid put an arm around Shannon and took a proud stance. Kate was happy to see that.

“Can I lay down?”

Jack carried her back to their spot and laid her down and she fell right to sleep. Jack told himself he would not move the whole night to ensure nothing else happened or that she didn’t have another attack. Sayid got the fire started and Shannon situated then came over to Jack.

“What the hell was that?”

“I wish I knew,” Jack answered.

They both looked over at Sawyer to see him staring into the cave wall toying with a piece of paper.

“What I mean, well I am noticing something,” Sayid explained.

Jack inquisitively looked at Sayid prompting him to continue.

“Okay, we were in the woods, out of nowhere, a tree limb falls, causing you two to trip. Sawyer doesn’t rush over. But stands in a trance. We get to the caves. You fall, no one around, Sawyer doesn’t move. And now, Kate has an attack, keep in mind she doesn’t have asthma, and Sawyer again doesn’t move.”

“You think Sawyer had something to do with this?” Jack looked dumbfounded.

“I don’t know. But you say he had a time loss right? He was gone for days, if they got a hold of him ……”

Jack could only nod.

“Something to think about.” And with that, Sayid returned to Shannon.

Jack looked back down at Kate. Could Sawyer really be responsible? If so, then they had much bigger problems that Jack didn’t know if he could fix.

Chapter 13

Sawyer could only toss and turn in an effort to sleep, as everyone else seemed to be doing. He couldn’t turn his thoughts down. Somehow he hurt Kate. And he didn’t have a clue how. Or why. He suspected something wasn’t right when he heard he was gone five days. ‘What the hell is the place and why am I going insane.’ Sawyer finally turned over and attempted sleep.

Sayid wasn’t sleeping either. He refused to close his eyes and leave Shannon unguarded. He looked down at her. Never had he been so happy, and he wasn’t about to loose that. Glancing back at Sawyer, he couldn’t help but feel untrusting. Not that he ever truly trusted him, but now, now it seemed something had happen to him and he was even more different than ever. ‘Whatever is going on, I will never let go of Shannon. I will not loose another love in my life.’ Sayid finally laid his head down next to Shannon and held her.

Jack cradled Kate as she slept. He looked around and caught the view of the night sky perfectly through the cave entry. Breathing in Kate’s sweet scent, Jack just smiled. He was so surprised that in this place, he could find such amazing peace and such a beautiful person among such constant disarray. He glared in Sawyer’s direction. If he was responsible for Kate’s attack, then why and how did he do this? Cautiously, Jack looked around and took a deep breath. ‘My happiness and my fate lie with her now.’ Jack went to wearily lay his head down when Kate began to stir.

Kate at first felt scared until she turned and saw Jack’s face. She barely was able to focus as she was trying to wake up. “Jack?”

He smiled, “Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Worn out, okay I guess. No, wait, I’m good, yea, I’m good,” she said putting her hand on his chest.

Jack quietly laughed, “Good? How is that?”

Kate leaned up on her elbows and looked him in the eyes. “Because you are here, you are holding me, and because you make me feel so good even when things aren’t.”

Jack held her and smiled. Suddenly he had a thought.

Looking down at Kate, he shyly asked, “Wanna go make a memory?”

Kate sat straight up. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Of course!”

The two crept out of the cave hand in hand quietly so as not to disturb anyone. The fullest, brightest moon either had ever seen greeted them and it lit up the water brilliantly. Kate began looking around nervously. “Is this safe?”

“Kate, I am not going to lie to you. I don’t know. I don’t know what might happen. But, the way things are on this island, I think eventually, you just have to go for it and take a chance.”

Kate smiled and looked down. He was right. She couldn’t let this pass by.

“Okay, let’s take a chance.”

With that single statement, she eased all of his worries. He looked at her and loved the way the moonlight lit up her eyes. Her beauty oftentimes made him speechless. Kate then reached for his face, and ran her fingers along his features, memorizing them and taking them in. As she hit the stubble of his chin, she suddenly needed him. She let out a sigh and tiptoed to reach him. Jack held her to keep her balanced and he in turned leaned down to her. She licked her lips and leaned closer to him and found her home. They fell into an instant embrace and a very sensual kiss as the need in them grew to have more. Their hands began exploring until the passion mounted to a level so high that Jack had to break the kiss.

Kate could only let out a sigh and mumble, “Wow,” as she looked at this perfect person in front of her.

“I need you, Kate.”

Their gazes simultaneously shifted to the glistening water. “Race ya?” Kate proposed already removing her pants.

“Oh, you’re on!” He quickly undressed down to his boxers and dove in. Kate, clad in her bra and panties, followed suit. Playfully, the two splashed each other and swam together. Kate couldn’t help but think how much better this was with the one you love. The moon lit their play area and the two easily forgot the world around them.

Eyeing the waterfall, Jack took Kate by the hand, “Let’s go to where it’s more shallow.”

The two found the water level to be just right that it covered just to their knees. The waterfall poured its aura down on the couple. Kate put her leg up on a rock and leaned over.

“Hey, you’re doing it again.”

“What?” Jack asked with that half grin of his she loved so much.

“Checkin’ me out.”

Jack moved closer to her and placed his hands on her hips and leaned in close.

“Yes I am,” he whispered as he began a dance with his tongue behind her ears and down her neck.

Kate leaned into him as he continued to send shivers of ecstasy up and down her spine. Suddenly, her mouth hung open attempting to suppress a scream as Jack discovered the way into her panties. She turned and they looked into each other’s eyes as he first went slowly, with just one finger carefully teasing all the right spots. As more fingers entered her, he pushed faster and faster and the desire in their eyes grew. Kate had to try very hard to not scream.

“Let go ….” Jack said as she began shivering.

After a few minutes, the look in her eyes and the sudden way she grabbed his shoulder and threw her head back told him she finally did. Breathless, Kate leaned back against Jack and let the waterfall caress them. She then kissed him so softly and he surrounded her in a warm embrace.

“I love you, Jack.”

Tears formed in Jack’s eyes as he enjoyed the words coming from her. “I love you more.”

Planning on continuing their rendezvous, they once again fell into a passionate kiss. Their moment for their memory books was suddenly interrupted. Something was at their feet.

Chapter 13

Kate jumped and Jack held her and they both peered down at the water.

“What is that?” Kate asked.

Jack reached down into the water and retrieved a mesh bag full of pill bottles.

“What the ….” The two took a seat on a nearby rock as Jack opened the back and pulled out the contents, handing some to Kate. He struggled to read them as the moon seemed to loose some of it’s light.

“Haldol. Remeron. Ultram. Penicillin.”

“What are all of these for? And for who?” Kate asked.

“That is what is so strange. These aren’t normal prescription bottles. It has the name of the drug, but no company, no name, nothing. And 2 of these are anti-psychotics and 1 is for pain, and the other, you know is an antibiotic.”

“Okay, but who’s are they? And why are they here?” Kate said looking around.

“These did not come from the luggage, Kate. First off, we would have found them. Second, they are not marked right. Wait…”

Kate only sat in a curious silence as she watched as Jack tried to get more light to read something. His chiseled arms glistened in the light and she wanted nothing more than to continue what they started. ‘Stop Kate, there is something more important going on’, she told herself as Jack looked confused.

“What?”

“There is only a symbol here on the bottle. It looks like a box or something. Whatever that symbol is, that is who made this. And for some reason, I get the feeling it came from someone that was already here.”

Their minds were reeling with questions. If these did come from somewhere on this island, someone was in need of their meds. And why were they in the water? As they both thought, Kate began to shiver.

“Cold?” Jack said pulling her to him.

“Better now,” she said laying her head on his chest. “What do we do about this? Are we going to tell the others?”

Sighing, Jack said, “I think it would be better to not tell them just yet. Not until we can maybe figure out something more.”

Kate could only nod and realize she was tired of discoveries and secrets. And she was tired of not feeling safe. She looked back up at the man who held her.

“Jack?”

“Yea, sweetie?”

“It’s going to be morning soon. As much as I don’t want to, we should head back.”

Jack knew she was right. Though, he really didn’t want this night to end. It had been a perfect evening. Leaning down, he took her lips with his and surrounded them in an embrace. She reciprocated by inviting her tongue into his mouth and putting her arms around him. They then moved to the water and close to the waterfall where their hands began an erotic exploration. This time, it was Kate’s hands that found the way into his boxers and his perfect erection. He gasped and threw his head back as she rubbed her hand up and down along his manhood. She kissed his chest and then slowly ran her tongue down to his stomach and, pushing his boxers down, she took all that he had in her mouth. Jack whimpered in pleasure as she lovingly stroked and licked him. Looking down, he saw she was looking up at him and he began rubbing her head and playing with her hair. After a few minutes, Jack’s entire body shook as he released at least 2 month’s worth of pent up pleasure. He pulled up his boxers and then pulled Kate to him and hugged her. A smile remained across Kate’s face as she was so happy to be able to bring him that much pleasure.

“Now, we should head back,” Jack said with a laugh, “I could really sleep now.”

Kate hugged him tighter, “Why Doctor Shephard, that is the first time I have heard you say you need sleep.”

He took her by the hand as they climbed up the nearby rock out of the water, “And you didn’t even have to drug me this time.”

As they got dressed, they could only smile at each other. What a difference in a relationship one night could make.

“I love you,” Kate said as she tied her shoes.

Jack leaned over and kissed her. “I love you, too Kate.”

“Oh I can feel the love,” a voice said from the bushes.

Looking around, Jack and Kate then looked at each other. “Sawyer?” Jack said.

Coming out from the darkness, Locke said, “No, not Sawyer

Chapter 15

“Oh my god, what, how?” was all Jack could muster.

Locke took a seat on a nearby rock and silently gazed up at the moon.

“I just came up here and found you. I know you were wondering how long I have been here,” Locke stated, answering both Jack and Kate’s unspoken question.

“What happened when you disappeared?” Kate asked, inching closer to Jack. She couldn’t explain it, but she was suddenly terrified.

Locke, still gazing off, answered, “Something grabbed me from underground and quickly took me under. I couldn’t scream. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel scared, only an unfathomable peace. I knew I was doing the island’s will and it felt great.”

Jack could only roll his eyes at Locke’s standard ‘faith’ answer. He was growing tired of that explanation.

“Did you see anything?” Jack asked in hopes of a real answer.

Locke’s eyes blinked and he looked uncomfortable at the question. “Nothing, I saw nothing.”

Jack was tired of his game at this point. “You saw nothing? Nothing from the time you were taken underground to the time you came back. Locke, you felt a peace like you haven’t felt, and you mean to tell me you couldn’t see anything?” He paused and put his hand on his hip as Kate only felt frustration. Collecting himself, he asked one more question. “Can you tell us how you got back?”

Locke was once again stuck in his stare and after a pause, finally said, “No.”

Kate had enough. “You don’t know or you won’t tell us?” she asked as she took a step towards Locke.

“I don’t remember.”

Kate grew more uncomfortable and took a place behind Jack as he protectively held out his arm in front of her. She couldn’t explain it, but she felt so scared.

“Look, daylight isn’t far away. We are going back to the cave to get some rest, you should, too and maybe that might help jog your memory,” Jack said and him and Kate turned to start walking.

“I’ll be along in a minute.” Then Locke called out, “Did you get my pack?”

“It’s at the cave with our stuff.”

Kate took Jack’s hand as they walked back. “He doesn’t seem scared.”

“I think it’s more than so-called faith,” Jack answered as he glanced back to see Locke with his eyes closed and facing the sky, “I think he knows something.”

“Why wouldn’t he tell us? Doesn’t he want to help?”

Jack could only look down as they reached the cave entrance. “Let’s sleep on it. Maybe I will be able to think more clearly.”

Kate couldn’t hold them back anymore. Tears filled her eyes as she looked up at Jack. “I’m scared.”

Jack took her in his arms. He didn’t like her feeling this way and what was worse, he didn’t know how to make it better. And, he was scared, too.

“Let’s count together.” He said as he leaned in to kiss her.

Kate felt an immediate peace wash over her as they held the kiss for 5 seconds.

“See? Fear is gone.”

Kate smiled. He had such an amazing way about him. “Let’s get some sleep.” With that, they walked in and lay down in their spot with Jack holding her. She could think of nowhere else she would rather be than in his arms. A hotel would be better than the island of doom but she was in no position to be picky. It had taken her too long to find Jack, and she wasn’t about to let location upset her. She settled in and immediately found sleep.

Sawyer stirred a bit and looked over. ‘A lover’s walk in the middle of the night, how freaking precious and stupid.’ He went to sit up only to be greeted by intense shoulder and neck pain. He looked down and realized he was shaking. ‘I must be hungry, and I am in pain because of this damn Motel Cave floor,’ he reasoned. He shifted in his spot and thought about how he hadn’t felt well since he came back. But he didn’t want to ask the Love Doctor for help. He would handle this on his own. He contemplated getting up, but said to hell with it and laid back down, wincing in agony once he got there.

A couple of hours passed as the morning sun invited itself into the cave. Jack turned around and saw Sayid sitting up stretching. He looked down at Kate and she still lay sleeping.

“Have you seen him?” Jack asked Sayid.

“Who?” Sayid responded.

“Locke is back.”

“How?”

“Damned if I know. He made some speech about peace and the island’s will.”

Shannon began to move and so did Kate. “Morning,” they both said in unison. Laughing, the each sat up.

“Morning already,” Kate said as she rubbed her eyes.

Jack leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Yep, already,” he said with a wink.

Sawyer then walked thru the cave and headed outside.

“He is so pleasant in the mornings,” Sayid said.

“Just in the mornings?” Jack chimed in and they all shared a giggle.

“My medicine! The stuff Sun made me for the asthma, it’s not here!” Shannon screamed out.

“Calm down, are you sure it’s not here?” Jack said walking over to help look.

“We need that!” Kate said, standing up.

“No you don’t, not if you have faith,” Locke said from the cave entrance.

Jack stormed over to him. “Where is it? Where the hell is it?”

Sawyer came over and actually stood next to Jack. “The girls need that, what did you do with it?”

“I have something far better. It’s a pill, that will help open the airway during an attack.”

“Where in the hell did you get that? On your peaceful journey?!” Jack asked, furious.

“They are NOT going to take any pill made from the pharmaceutical company of Freddy Krueger!” Sawyer said, shoving the pills back at Locke.

“Okay, we are done arguing,” Sayid said walking over to the fight, “I don’t know about you guys, but staying out in the jungle again doesn’t not sound like the best idea. Let’s get going to find the others while we have plenty of daylight. On the way, we will get some eucalyptus; there is some nearby because I have had to get some for Shannon. We will discuss those pills later, Locke.”

Jack and Sawyer agreed and everyone gathered their stuff as Locke walked outside. They were all leaving the cave when Jack saw the pill bottle Sawyer knocked out of Locke’s hands. It had Locke's name on them. And a symbol of a box in the corner.

Chapter 16

“If we stay on this path, it should lead us to the other’s camp,” Sayid said after about 20 minutes of walking.

“I think going this way over here would be better,” Locke pointed in the opposite direction.

Feeling scared, Kate leaned closer to Jack. “I don’t think we should follow him,” she whispered.

Jack nodded in agreement as Shannon wandered off a little with Sayid right behind her. “Here it is,” she called.

Kate, Sawyer and Jack went to where they stood and Kate breathed a sigh of relief. “The eucalyptus plant.”

They all decided to take a break so Jack and Sayid could get the medicine made. Shannon went to sit down, pulling out a picture of her and Boone and she went off into her own world.

Stomping over, Locke was clearly annoyed. “Taking a break isn’t really the best idea considering your friends are out there in need of help.”

“No disrespect, but the girls need this medicine that seemed to have disappeared,” Sayid retorted.

“And I had a solution. The island gave me that power.”

Gritting his teeth, Jack tried to hold back and not say anything while Kate could only feel more apprehensive.

“Once again, no disrespect, but I wasn’t about to let them have something in which we know nothing about,” Sayid responded again.

Locke could only roll his eyes and begin pacing. Jack was unable to take it anymore.

“Look ~ if you are so hell bent on leaving now to find our friends, go. We need a break to get this medicine made and you are not helping any.”

“Fine, the island is calling, and I must go now. Sawyer, you know the way, so you lead them when you guys are done here.” And just like that, he was gone, stomping away.

All eyes focused on Sawyer as Locke disappeared.

“What? I don’t know what in the hell Baldie is talkin’ about. How would I know the way to doom?”

Kate again felt nervous. What was going on with Locke and Sawyer for that matter? Something didn’t feel right and she hated feeling so confused. She watched as Jack helped prepare the medicine and she couldn’t help but let the smile take over her face. She was pleasantly surprised at herself. After Tom, she thought she would never find love like that again or even allow herself to feel that kind of connection. And here she was, more in love than ever before with such a strong connection with Jack. He was so caring, loving and good-hearted. Not to mention incredibly sexy and good looking. She giggled a little at that thought and Jack looked over and winked at her. He was amazing. Then she noticed Sawyer was staring at her. She glanced around as to avoid his stare, and saw a mango tree just calling her name. She couldn’t resist.

“Hey, I’ll be over there. I see a mango tree.”

Jack stood up and walked over to Kate to see where the tree was. ‘Always protecting me,’ she thought with a smile.

“Okay, but don’t go anywhere else.”

“Worried ‘bout me?” she asked with a smirk.

Looking down sheepishly and getting his signature grin, he said, “Yea, I guess I am.”

Kate leaned in to meet his lips, “I won’t wander off, I promise.”

“Get a damn room,” Sawyer said as he leaned against a tree, crying out in pain as he did so.

Turning his attention from Kate’s wonderful figure as she walked away, he switched to doctor mode and attempted to focus on Sawyer.

Kate reached the tree and instantly felt better. There was something about having her own thing on this island that made her feel safer. She began her climb and as she reached near the top, she gazed out to the ocean. The sound of the waves and the smell of the salty air instantly made her smile. ‘If only we were really in paradise,’ she thought. Shaking that feeling away, she began picking fruit and enjoying her alone time.

“I told you, the shaking isn’t predictable, the neck pain is constant and my shoulder is screwed, what the hell else do you need to know, Doc?”

“Sawyer, I am trying to help you, so let me.”

“Just tell me your best guess, Doctor Way To Thorough. I ain’t in the mood for a damn physical.”

“Fine, if I had to guess …”

“You do,” Sawyer interrupted.

Annoyed, Jack answered. “Fine, I’d say you have scar tissue forming in your shoulder around your bullet wound and due to it not being treated properly when it first happened, I think you are getting an infection.”

“Got something to help me with this crap?”

Jack debated giving him the pain pill as he got out the penicillin. But, in the end, he handed him 2 pills and told him he would get him his own bottle as they returned to camp. Jack then returned to where Sayid and Shannon were working on the medicine.

Sawyer took the pills and felt relieved that there was nothing more serious wrong with him. He was, in all honesty, grateful to Jack. But he vowed to never let him know that.

“The medicine is ready, we should get going again,” Sayid said as Jack approached.

Shannon stood up and again looked at the picture of her and Boone. She couldn’t help but wish he were still there with her. She felt like a new person, and she was sure it was someone Boone would really like. She ached for him, and still didn’t know how she was going to make it without him. The tears flowed freely as she gathered her things. Sayid walked over to her, wiped her tears away and helped her with her stuff. Shannon half smiled. Could she ever really be okay with someone else? Would Boone even approve? Her thoughts never took a rest.

“Let me go get Kate,” Jack said, walking in the direction of the tree.

The sky suddenly lost its light as rain clouds blanketed every inch.

“Hurry, Jack, looks like rain is about to start,” Sayid said as they immediately started getting a shelter together.

Kate realized rain was coming and began her decent down. She was stopped in her tracks midway by strange whispering.

“She doesn’t deserve happiness.” “He’s too good for her.” “Should we take her now?” “Be quiet, don’t let her hear us.” “She is not ready.”

Kate’s eyes filled with tears as she heard these mumbles. Where the hell were they coming from and how come they were talking about her? The clouds could no longer hold it, and the rain cascaded down. Kate welcomed it. It would hide her crying.

“Kate! Kate!”

It was Jack. She looked down and instantly felt sad and confused. Who would think she isn’t good enough for Jack? Who would say these things?

“Kate, baby! Come on down, come on!”

She studied his small figure from her height. She loved him so much. But, maybe they were right. Maybe he is too good.

“Kate! The wind is picking up, let’s go!”

Suddenly snapped out of her thoughts, she realized she was up in a tree during a rainstorm in this place. She began her decent down, making Jack smile. She then saw him and smiled, too. She was being silly with her thoughts. She was just fine. Suddenly, a figure swooped down and knocked her off balance. She tried to steady herself and felt relief when she grabbed the right branches.

“I’m okay!” she called to the now worried Jack.

Continuing down, a figure came down again, this time from the opposite direction. This time Kate could not hold on.

“KATE!” Jack screamed as he helplessly watched her fall.

Chapter 17

Rapidly falling, Kate screamed for Jack and scolded herself in her mind for taking so long to listen. After what seemed like ages, but was in reality only a few seconds, her shirt was caught on a branch, stopping her freefall and jerking her hard.

Running to where he was directly under Kate, Jack realized two things. One was that she was close enough to the ground where he could safely catch her. And the second thing he noticed was that she was bleeding, and bad.

“Kate, I can catch you, you just need to release your shirt,” he had to yell loudly to make sure she heard him over the wind and the rain.

Sawyer, Sayid and Shannon ran over after hearing the yelling.

“Oh my god,” was all Sawyer could say. “Do something, Jack!” Shannon exclaimed in a panicked voice.

Suddenly, the all to familiar and unwelcome roar rang thru the trees.

“Oh hell no! Kate, come on!” Sawyer screamed.

Kate looked out and saw what she feared. The trees were disappearing. Quickly, she forgot her fear and reached up to loosen her shirt that was already ripping.

“Jack, don’t let me go!” she called as her shirt finally came loose. On the way down, her head slammed into a larger branch, causing her head to gash open. She landed safe in Jack’s arms with a force so strong, it knocked Jack to his knees.

Kate tried to stand up and couldn’t as a wave of dizziness overtook her.

“I got ya,” Jack said picking her back up.

“Run, NOW!” Sayid said grabbing Shannon’s hand.

The others were able to run much faster as Jack and Kate lagged behind. Jack stopped and looked around as he couldn’t see anyone and all he did see was the tree they just ran from, gone.

“Doc! In here!” Sawyer called from outside a small cave.

Entering the cave breathless, Jack struggled to remain standing. Sawyer leaned forward and took Kate as Jack crumbled to his knees.

“Thanks,” he said in strained breaths.

Shannon and Sayid pulled a blanket out from their bags and quickly laid it out for Kate where Sawyer very carefully laid her down. He then ran to the cave entrance and peered out to see if the sounds were gone. Sayid called out for Jack as he rushed to Kate’s side. She was sitting up, grasping her side. Shannon then called for Sayid, so he went to her, leaving Kate and Jack alone.

“You didn’t let go,” she said as Jack took his place beside her.

“Never,” Jack reassuringly said, although it was with a worried smile. “You are covered in blood, Kate, I need to take a look.”

Kate was so dazed; she hadn’t even noticed the blood pouring from both her head and side. She felt so weird, and somewhat confused. She was trying to remember if the whispers she heard were real.

“I think that, well, whatever it is, is gone. But the rain sure isn’t. In fact, it is coming down harder, looks like we will be here for a while,” Sayid called out as he took a seat next to Shannon who was focusing on Kate.

After looking over Kate’s wounds, Jack reluctantly reached for his bag. “Sweetie, these are pretty bad, you are going to need stitches.”

Sawyer joined the two with a concerned look. “Anything I can do to help?” His gaze was fixed on Kate’s injuries.

“You know, I think I got it, but thanks.” Jack began looking for a rag.

“Need something, Doc?” Sawyer smirked.

Jack and Kate each smiled as he admitted he could use a rag and some water. Sawyer took a couple of empty water bottles and held it outside to collect some rain.

“I feel dizzy,” Kate said, leaning back.

Jack eased her down, watching her very carefully. He could not stand the fact that she was hurt at all. “You hit your head pretty hard, so this is normal.” He tried to sound convincing so that she wouldn’t become alarmed. In fact, he felt she might have a concussion.

“And I’m cold.”

“Kate, I will get a fire going, don’t worry,” Sayid said looking around for a spot to start one. As he found a sunken in part of the cave’s floor, he began the task of gathering some twigs and branches he saw scattered about. Shannon glanced and realized now was a good time to get out her picture that she treasured and retreat once again.

Sawyer came up to Jack with two bottles of water and one of his shirts from his bag. Answering Jack’s questioning look, Sawyer retorted, “What? Is it not good enough for you?”

“It’s fine. You need to understand not every statement is meant to attack you,” Jack explained, gratefully taking the supplies.

Kate suddenly grabbed Jack’s hand, pulling him down to her face. “Am I okay?”

With his other hand, he softly touched her cheek. “Of course you are, after you are cleaned and stitched up, you will be good as new.”

“No,” she whispered as tears filled her eyes, “Am I okay enough for you?”

Sawyer took that statement as his cue to go help Sayid. ‘She just needs to be happy, one way or another,’ he thought, taking one more glance at her.

Jack wiped away Kate’s tears and felt his heart crumble at her question. Taking the wet shirt, Jack began cleaning her wounds as he thought about the love he felt in his heart for her.

Looking at her as he cleaned her head, he started talking. “Kate, you are more than okay for me, you are my everything. You are the missing piece of me I didn’t even know I missed. And from the beginning, when everyone needed me to fix them, you were the one who fixed me. And in more ways than one.” Tears now filled his eyes as he began cleaning up her side.

Kate reached up and grazed his cheek. He was all she needed and the reason she had been running. She never knew her destination when she ran. Now it was suddenly crystal clear.

“I love you.”

“I love you. Okay, the wounds are cleaned up. I need to start stitching you up so you don’t loose anymore blood. You are going to need a lot, Kate, so I need you to be prepared.”

Kate looked away wearing concerned wrinkles on her forehead. She needed to be strong. She could do that. She felt she could do anything now with Jack’s heart safe in her possession.

“Worry lines never looked so good,” Jack said attempting a bit of humor to make her smile. And she did. “Okay, do you have a color preference?”

Kate couldn’t help but giggle at the familiar comment.

“Let’s go red, I am daring,” she said with a wink.

“Red for the daring beauty it is,” he said smiling.

Suddenly, the entire cave began shaking violently, knocking rocks down.

“Oh my god, there are EARTHQUAKES on this damn island?” Sawyer said, getting in the doorway of the cave, dragging Shannon and Sayid with him.

Jack quickly sprang into action as rocks started falling around them. He lifted Kate and his supplies. “Get out of here, we will be trapped, go!”

Sayid ran back in to get their packs and they all headed out into the rain.

“The ditch!” Jack yelled spying a ditch not too far off.

As the 5 threw themselves in, Kate’s wounds oozed blood and she was crying into Jack’s shoulder. Shannon started screaming, as the shaking became more violent, sending debris flying. Jack threw himself over Kate and Sawyer threw himself over both of them as Sayid sheltered Shannon. As the shaking continued, the familiar roar started up once again. This time, they couldn’t get up and run.

Chapter 18

Jack started running ideas of what they could all do when the shaking and noises suddenly stopped. Even the rain stopped.

“Is it over?” Kate asked from Jack’s arms.

Sawyer was the first to stand up to survey what had happened. Debris was scattered about and there were several missing trees.

“I think it’s safe,” he said as he reached down and pulled Jack and Kate up out of the ditch.

“Thanks,” Jack started, “You know, for….”

Not one to take compliments, Sawyer cut him off. “Welcome. Now, does someone wanna tell me what in the hell just happened?”

“I don’t think we know,” Sayid said as he climbed out of the ditch, pulling Shannon up with him.

“Jack, I don’t feel so good,” Kate said as she struggled to remain upright.

Jack helped her stay balanced as he looked down and realized how much she was bleeding. “We need to get her somewhere so I can stitch her up.”

“Let’s just go back to the cave, assuming it’s still accessible,” Sayid said as he led the way.

As they walked back, Kate insisted on trying to walk even though Jack told her he would carry her. She did lean on him for support. She was tired of feeling helpless. And she was tired of feeling confused by every damn thing on this island. Her thoughts instantly became a jumbled mess, and then, darkness.

“Kate!” Jack screamed as they reached the cave. She fell completely limp as Jack lifted her up. She looked so angelic and way too peaceful. He knew she was loosing way too much blood from her side. “We gotta do this now. She isn’t okay.”

Everyone sprang into action getting a place ready for Kate to lie and Shannon took Jack’s bag and opened it for him. Sawyer took take and laid her down. Jack took a deep breath as he realized the full effect of the situation. And he wasn’t feeling too good himself, as he hadn’t had too much sleep. Sighing he headed over to where Kate lay waiting, unconscious. He was so scared. Taking his 5 seconds as he sat beside her, he let the fear out and he began his work, grabbing the red string.

An hour passed and Jack finished stitching her up and was even more exhausted. She hadn’t regained consciousness, so Jack remained at her side, stroking her hair. “Don’t do this to me, I need you. Please wake up,” he whispered in her ear. He wasn’t sure that he stitched her in time.

Night fell and the group settled in for the night. The fire blazed thanks to Sayid and water bottles were full again thanks to Sawyer. After taking his meds, Sawyer sat near to Kate and kept watching her. Shannon and Sayid glanced over often as well. All of them just wanted her to wake up.

Sayid approached the now worried and exhausted Jack. “You should get some rest. We can watch her.”

“No, I’m fine,” Jack argued. Sayid knew to back off because he would be the same way if it were Shannon.

Breaking the tense silence, Sawyer asked, “Now can we talk about what the hell happened earlier? I didn’t know Smurfin’ islands had earthquakes!”

“Somehow, I still think it has to do with the cable I found the day I met Danielle,” Sayid said.

“How?” Jack said without taking his eyes off Kate.

“Generators. When I was gathering wood, I saw zero evidence of damage to the ground. What if ….. “ Sayid trailed off.

“What if we are sitting on top of a whole society?” Shannon spoke up.

The question coming from her quite literally stunned everyone. And it scared them. That single question couldn’t have sounded more right.

“CRAP!” Sawyer screamed out grabbing his neck. “Thought you said those pills would work, Doctor Wrong!”

“I hoped they would. You wouldn’t let me finish examining you.”

“Fine Doc Theory. Can you just look at my neck again?” Sawyer asked, surprising himself but he was in too much pain to remain humble.

Reluctantly, Jack sat up and pulled himself away from Kate’s face. He asked Sawyer to come to him because he wanted to be the first thing she saw should she wake up.

“How long has it been this red?”

“How the hell should I know? I don’t keep a mirror handy.”

Jack ran his fingers along the irritated spot and immediately felt a bump. “Ow! Damn Doc, go easy. What the hell is it?” Sawyer began to feel a little scared, but wouldn’t let that be known.

“Jack?” Kate whispered. Jack immediately leaned back down to see her.

“Hey – how do you feel?”

“Thirsty and sore,” she answered reaching for her side.

Jack asked Shannon for some water and couldn’t stop looking at Kate. She was awake. He thanked everything he could that she was awake. He didn’t know how long she might feel like this, but the important thing is, she was awake.

“You scared me. I am just so happy you are awake …. “

At this, Kate smiled as much as she could. “You can’s get rid of me that easily.”

“I never want to.”

Shannon brought over some water and helped Kate sit up so she could take a drink. She winced in pain. Jack reached over and got her some pills.

“Here, it should help with the pain and prevent infection.”

“Thank you,” she said swallowing the pills. Their eyes met and though they didn’t say anything, they both smiled. They had that uncanny knack of saying it all with a look. Her gaze drifted to Sawyer who was in front of her and staring.

“Hey Freckles. Enjoy your beauty sleep?”

“Always joking, huh Sawyer?” she asked smirking. That is when she noticed it. Sawyer’s neck was very red and swollen. “Oh my god, are you okay?”

“I’m trying to find out,” Jack said, leaning in for a kiss, which Kate gladly gave him.

“Cute,” Sawyer said.

Sayid came over to say hi to Kate and Shannon steadied her so she could still sit up. “I’m glad you are okay,” Shannon said smiling.

“Something is in here,” Jack said breaking up their conversation.

“Something like what?” Sawyer incredulously asked.

“Something blinking.”
Chapter 19

Kate leaned over as much as she was able to get a closer look. “Oh my god.” There it was, something faintly blinking thru his skin.

Sawyer jumped up and began pacing the cave. “What? How? Something freaking blinkin?”

Jack was at a loss. Never once in his medical career had he ever come across anything like this. As Sawyer paced, Sayid went over to him, leaving Jack with a moment for Kate.

“I’m dizzy,” she said as Shannon eased her back down.

“It’s normal since you lost consciousness for quite some time,” Jack said as he laid down and faced her.

Shannon quickly began feeling like a third wheel so she got up and retreated to her bag where she pulled out one of Boone’s shirts and their picture. She was more afraid than ever with this newest mystery and all she wanted was to be in Boone’s arms.

“Jack, this is all getting too weird,” Kate whispered.

Taking her hand and squeezing tightly, Jack answered, “I know, but we will get to the bottom of this. And I won’t let anything weird happen to you.” He looked her over and realized his slight oversight. “Okay, nothing else weird.” The two shared a giggle over that statement.

“At least you can still laugh,” he said, leaning in to kiss her forehead.

Approaching the pair, Sayid asked to speak to Jack.

“I will be right back,” he said to Kate. “Shannon, could you keep an eye on her?” After receiving a confirming nod from her, he kissed Kate and went with Sayid.

“In the Republican Guard, I saw a lot of things. After just taking a look at Sawyer, well, I recognize the idea I believe. One of the things my higher authorities were testing had to do with implants.”

Jack looked around to see the concerned eyes glued to him. “And what were these implants for, Sayid?”

Pausing, Sayid looked over at Sawyer. Leaning in to Jack, he whispered, “They were trying to perfect mind control, Jack. No one could, however. No one yet, that is.”

“How would Sawyer have been implanted?” Jack had a hard time digesting this information.

“Well, all I have been able to come up with is the time span after the raft incident. He came to us after five days, but he was completely unaware of the differences in perceptions.”

Jack was having an incredibly difficult time accepting this theory, although it was plausible. “Why Sawyer?”

“Why not Sawyer? Think about it, Jack. He was the perfect target. He was injured and alone and defenseless.”

“What are you saying, Sayid? That is the reason they are trying to take us? Like, like human guinea pigs?”

“That’s exactly what I am saying.”

Jack didn’t know what to do. Most things he could handle and find a way of fixing. This was something he didn’t know how he could. He walked outside of the cave for some fresh air. Sawyer tried to follow when Sayid grabbed his arm.

“Let him go, he needs some time.”

“Time for what Abdul? I am a freaking Christmas tree and HE is the one who needs some time? He needs to get his ass back in here.”

“Give him just a little while, Sawyer.”

Silent understanding washed over Sawyer as he went and took a seat. Kate tried to sit up to go after Jack. Instead of her being able to as she had planned, she screamed in pain and was forced to sit back down. Sawyer rushed over first with Sayid and Shannon not far behind.

“Where did Jack go?” Kate ignored her pain and still made another attempt to stand up.

“Kate, I wouldn’t advise getting up just yet,” Sayid said attempting to calm her down.

Reluctantly, she went to lay back down with Shannon’s help but kept her eyes peeled at the cave’s opening. Sawyer sat down right beside her as the other two retreated.

“You okay, Sassy?”

Kate rolled her eyes. “I’m fine. Anything you want Sawyer?”

“Nothin’ at all SweetCheeks. Your boyfriend seems to be cracking under the pressure, though. When you decide you need a real man, you know where I am,” he smirked.

“Sawyer, I am really not in the mood for your smart ass statements,” she said, grabbing her side, “And besides, I already have a real man.”

“Always quick on the defense, Freckles.”

“You’re one to talk.”

Across the way, Sayid stood up from his place beside Shannon. “I am going to go check on him.”

Kate saw Sayid move to the exit and she felt relieved. She felt very unsafe with Jack close to her. She was also feeling worse as she felt chilled and clammy. She wanted and needed Jack.
“You alright?” Sawyer asked, inching closer to her.

“I’m fine,” she replied in a very unsteady voice.

“No you’re obviously not, Freckles. What do you need? Let me help.”

Glaring at him, she said, “I need Jack.”

This frustrated Sawyer to no end. ‘Doc Do Right isn’t the only one that is worth a damn around here.’ He glared at Kate and their eyes met in a stare that scared them both. Suddenly, Kate’s eyes widened.

“I… can’t … breathe.”

Sawyer ran over to get the medicine from Shannon, who attempted to get up and help.

“No, I got it,” Sawyer said to her in such a way that made Shannon feel as if she were in a trance and she sat back down.

Sawyer ran back to Kate where he applied the medicine to her chest. Kate looked up at him as her breathing slowly returned to normal. He continued rubbing her as he leaned down to her and whispered, “See, I CAN give you what you need.”

Jack and Sayid came running in after Shannon went to get them.

“What the hell are you doing?” Jack yelled pushing Sawyer away from Kate.

“Hold up there, Tex, she was having another attack and I didn’t see you anywhere around!”

Deciding Kate was more important, he ignored Sawyer and sat next to her. “Are you okay?” he asked as he stroked her face.

Still breathless and a little frightened, she could only nod and take Jack’s hand.

Jack turned back to face Sawyer, grasping Kate’s hand tight. “Stay away from her!”

“Jack,” Kate whispered.

“Yes, Kate. I’m here.”

“Hold me.”

The two lying together signaled time to rest. Sayid and Shannon settled in for the night and Sawyer went to his corner of the cave and was a little shaken up about what had happened. The light of day was their hope that answers would come and bring them all more clarity

Chapter 20

Intense pain woke Kate up before sunrise. She looked beside her and saw Jack sleeping very soundly and peacefully. She decided she wasn’t going to wake him. She could do this, she thought, as she attempted to get up on her own. She slowly moved Jack’s arm off of her and used the large rock next to her to assist her in her quest for the upright position. Silently, she winced in the small amount of pain she was in as she managed to make it to her feet. Grabbing a water bottle, her medicine and her bag, she inched her way out of the cave. Greeting her were millions of stars and she smiled. To her, even though physically she didn’t feel the best, emotionally she felt alive. She was always one to go off on her own, and not being able to the last 24 hours really got to her. As she slowly got ready for the day, she couldn’t help but smile that she had Jack to care about her and look after her. As independent as she was, she really had grown to love and depend on that man.

“Kate!” Jack called from back at the cave. In her trip into her thoughts, she hadn’t even realized just how far she had wondered off.

“Over here,” she called.

“How did you get all the way out here?” Jack asked as he caught up with her.

Kate could only smirk and look around. “Very carefully.”

Jack could only smile and wrap her in an embrace that made her toes tingle. “I’m so glad to see you up and about, though I wish you would have let me know and let me help you.” He then looked around as he pulled away to look at her face. “And waited until it was light out.”

Catching the sparkle of the stars in his eyes, she smiled. “Well, you should have known nothing could keep me down long.”

“Oh I know that much,” Jack replied giggling. “How are you feeling?”

“Not as chilled and just mostly very, very sore.”

“Good, it’s best if you rest as much as possible, though.”

“Okay, Doctor,” she said sarcastically. Then she became more somber. “So, what is going on? I mean, with Sawyer’s neck, I know Sayid was talking to you about something.”

Jack looked at the beauty standing before him. He wanted to tell her because he wanted to tell her everything in his head at all times. But, he also didn’t want her scared.

“Why don’t we wait until we get back to the caves so that we can all hear at once and Sayid can do most of the explaining, because, quite frankly, I don’t even understand it all.”

“Well, I guess that is best,” Kate agreed, “But first, come here.”

Kate pulled him close where she kissed him with such intensity; it was enough to give them each chills. His hands slid down her and he gently pulled her closer so that he could feel her body against his. Their kiss deepened and they each could feel the growing passion between them. Jack pulled away and ran his tongue to her ear, then to her neck, sucking, licking and kissing every inch. Letting out a moan, Kate threw her head back and savored this moment. She then looked at him with determination in her eyes.

“I want more.”

“But what about your injuries?” Jack asked, in between the kisses he was planting all over her face.

Again, she looked very determined. “Be very gentle,” she said with a wink. Then she kissed him again, this time they each allowed their hands to explore.

Jack pulled away even though no part of him wanted to. “Not like this.”

Kate wanted him so bad, but he was right, not in the dark, unprepared, where anyone could come up looking for them. “OK.”

After one more kiss, they reluctantly headed back to the cave. Daybreak walked with them and Jack sighed. He had to attempt to make some sort of sense of what Said had told him. And then they both had to find a way to let the others know what was going on. He looked over at Kate as he helped her walk along. Her smile lit up his world. The other thought he was having had to do with planning the perfect romantic moment for them. He didn’t know how that could happen in the god-awful place they were in, but he was going to find a way. Kate deserves some happiness in the midst of all the darkness. Reaching the cave, the two shared another kiss.

“You feeling ok?” Jack asked.

“In some pain, but I’ll live,” she smirked.

“Oh great, a lover’s meeting at dawn,” Sawyer called from inside the cave.

Kate and Jack went in, shooting Sawyer a sideways glance, while noticing that Sayid and Shannon were already awake.

“You’re back,” said Sayid, “Can we talk?”

“We’ll be right back,” Jack said with a wink to Kate.

As they headed outside, Shannon and Sawyer both went to sit by Kate.

“So are we about to be told what is going on?” Shannon asked.

Wincing in pain, Kate checked her bandages and rolled her eyes. “Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Ah hell, if Yoko don’t even know, you know it’s bad,” Sawyer replied sarcastically.

“Funny,” Kate shot back, barely missing him with a towel.

Just then, Jack and Sayid returned to the cave, forcing all eyes on them.

“We need to talk,” Jack stoically said.

Chapter 21

Jack took a spot next to Kate. "How are you doing?"

"Making it, I suppose," Kate said with a smirk.

"Alright, Soldier, tell me what the hell you are going to do about my neck!" Sawyer broke the solemn mood of the cave fast.

As Sayid proceeded to tell everyone about his mind control theory, Sawyer's face dropped a little and Shannon looked absolutely petrified. Kate inched closer to Jack as Sayid continued.

"I don't know where, or how, but somehow, I feel this is a testing place of some sort and the device in your neck is proof that I am not too far off base."

"You sure about this?" Sawyer stoically asked.

"We have talked a lot about this," Jack cut in,"And this is the most logical theory we can come up with."

"So, what are we supposed to do?" Shannon asked.

"Well, if it is mind control, then we have to watch ourselves around Sawyer. They could be programming him to do certain things, things we have seen happen already," Sayid said thinking of Kate's sudden onset of asthma.

"And we found some pills, we don't know what they are, but something tells me they have to do with this whole mess," Jack continued.

Sawyer immediately stood up and began his pacing. "So I am supposed to wander around out here and be viewed as the enemy by you people. That ain't gonna fly with me."

"You have a better suggestion?" Jack asked, standing up.

"Take it out."

Jack was taken aback by this and he just looked over at Kate.

"Sawyer, this isn't exactly an operating room," Jack said.

"You stitched her up! What the hell is the difference? Or is it because I don't have a manipulative hold over you, so you won't help me?"

Jack grabbed Sawyer by the arm roughly. "Do not EVER talk about her like that again. For all I care, we can leave your ass behind if that is what you want."

Kate sat, mouth agape. Did Jack just stand up for her? No man had ever stood up for her like that. No man since Tom. Kate motioned for Shannon to help her and she stood up.

"First off, Jack is trying to help. Secondly, he is right. We could just leave you behind to protect ourselves. And next, my 'surgery' was slightly different than removing something from inside your NECK. And last," and with this she inched her way closer to Sawyer, "Don't you ever call me manipulative again."

Shannon broke the hard glares Kate and Sawyer were giving each other by grabbing Kate and easing her back down to her seat. "You need to rest."

Jack took his place beside Kate as well and kissed her on the forehead.

"So, what is it gonna be, Doc, you gonna operate or what?"

Jack looked at the faces that were so desperate for him to know the answers and be able to fix everything all the time. He knew that he couldn't fix it all, but he had to try.

"We operate."

Chapter 22

As Jack prepped Sawyer for the surgery, Kate couldn’t stop pacing. She remained in pain from her wound, but she was too restless to sit still. Shannon stood up from Sayid’s protective hold he had of her, and walked over to Kate.
“You really should be sitting down.”

Kate stopped in mid-stride. “Look at this, at what is about to happen. Sawyer might not make it.”

“Do you really care?”

Taken a bit back by the question, Kate glanced over at the two again and realized something. “I do actually. Not just about Sawyer, but about Jack. He couldn’t handle another death at his hands,” Kate stopped realizing Shannon’s tears.

“I am so sorry,” she said, touching Shannon’s shoulder, “You want to sit outside for a bit?” Kate asked as she noticed Jack and Sawyer still talking. She wondered what all they were talking about. Sayid walked up, causing Shannon to quickly wipe her face.

“I need to go for some more wood before the light is gone,” he said, touching Shannon lightly on the back.

“Okay,” she said barely meeting his eyes, “Kate and I were just going to sit outside. We could both use a break from the cave.”

“Just right outside, don’t wander off. We still don’t know what could be out there,” Sayid authoritatively said.

Shannon rolled her eyes in such a way only Kate could see. “We’ll just be right here by the water,” Kate said, as she glanced back at Jack and Sawyer again.

“Yes I’m sure, Doc. Question is, are you sure and why are doing going through with this?”

“I am sure and I’m not doing it for you,” Jack said as his eyes went to Kate.

“Now ain’t that just the picture of a perfect romance?”

Jack began getting things together to remove the device and handed Sawyer some pills.

“What are these?”

“Antibiotics and sleeping pills. I don’t think you will want to be awake for the procedure.”

“Which are the antibiotics?”

Jack only rolled his eyes and pointed to the 2 pills.

“Then take these back,” Sawyer defiantly said as he swallowed the antibiotics.

“Sawyer, you don’t understand, I am not giving you these just so you aren’t awake, I am giving you these because being awake during this could be dangerous for you.”

“I am not taking them, Doc,” Sawyer smugly said as he laid down in the makeshift operating room Jack set up.

“Fine, suit yourself, I’ll be right back,” as he saw the others head outside.

“How is it going in there?” Kate said leaning in a little closer to Jack.

“He’s refusing to take the sleeping pills. That means not only is he going to feel every single thing I do, but also he could go into shock or worse. Being anywhere near here would not be a good idea right now,” Jack said looking around and also then back into Kate’s eyes.

“Why would he refuse medicine? Does he not know it will hurt?” Sayid asked.

“I’m sure he does,” Shannon said, noticeably taking a step back from Sayid.

Kate was in quiet contemplation as they continued to talk. She knew what she was about to say might possibly hurt Jack and she debating saying it. Finally, she decided she had to say something; she couldn’t let Sawyer be at too great a risk, for Jack’s sake.

“Let me talk to him,” she finally said to Jack.

“What? Are you serious?” Jack asked dumbfounded. “Don’t tell me there is still a connection.”

Shannon and Sayid inched a little further away sensing Jack and Kate’s need to speak in private.

“Jack, there is no connection,” Kate said touching his arm, “I just don’t want to hear him in pain or have him so bad off that you can’t save him. Let’s face it, we need him,” she then reached up and touched Jack’s face in a way that made him blush.

Taking her hand, he kissed it and said, “Okay. Talk to him. Maybe you are right. Maybe he will listen to you.” With that, they shared a kiss and Kate headed alone into the cave, leave Jack feeling pensive and alone.

Chapter 23

Kate entered the cave knowing Jack wasn’t thrilled with the idea. But, she couldn’t let there be any room for complications. Jack couldn’t take that.

“Nurse Kate to the rescue, huh?” Sawyer said as she neared him.

Kate half smiled and took a seat beside him. Looking at him, she said, “You are going to be find, you know?”

Sawyer smirked and glanced down. “That supposed to be a pep talk, Freckles?”

Kate’s eyes shifted to Jack, who was watching her, and doing a poor job of covering it up.

“He needs you to be okay.”

Sawyer seemed touched by the comment at first but quickly resorted back to sarcasm. “For what, so he can have an arch enemy to his hero like in all the great movies?”

Kate grew more intense and touched Sawyer’s arm. Catching his gaze, she said, “He can’t have anything else go wrong. He needs you to be okay,” she paused for a minute, looked at Jack, then finished, “We all need you.”

She removed her hand and glanced away. Sawyer then suddenly leaned across her and grabbed the previously unwanted pills. Before returning to his seat, he lingered over her for a moment that seemed to stop time.

“This isn’t exactly how I’d hoped the next time I topped you would be,” he said with a wink as he swallowed the pills and sat back down.
Kate rose to her feet, “Thank you,” she said as she walked off with Sawyer’s eyes intently on her the whole time.

Meeting Kate at the entrance to the cave, Jack stopped her, “Well?”

“He took the pills.”

Jack smirked, rolled his eyes and looked away. “And now what do you owe him?”

“Nothing!” Kate said in a defensive tone.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that ….. “ Jack trailed off.

“I know,” Kate said with a reassuring touch of Jack’s hand.

“I’d better get in there as the medicine takes effect. Wouldn’t want him waking up before I am done.”

Kate let him go and sat next to the water. She retreated into her thoughts as she often did. She sometimes wondered if she would ever stop sabotaging her happiness. It started so long ago with her father first left. And then there was the Wayne incident. She couldn’t even stay for Tom, no matter how much she wanted to or how much she loved him.

“I’m often inside my head, too,” Shannon said, shattering Kate’s silence.

Kate managed a half-smile as she looked in on Jack.

“He really loves you, ya know?”

Kate smiled and looked at Shannon, “O yea?”

“Yea, he looks at you the way Boone used to look at me,” Shannon said reflectively.

Kate immediately felt the pain Shannon had of loosing her love. Boone was her constant, her stability and her steady hand. Just like Tom was. It felt so long ago.

“I’m sorry he’s gone, Shannon, I really am,” Kate offered as she put her hand on her shoulder.

“Thanks. I am a little, no a lot lost without him and Sayid isn’t making it as easy as he is trying to. I need to just grieve and miss Boone and be allowed without feeling like I have to impress someone else around me.” With that, Shannon’s escaping tears flowed down her cheeks. Kate hugged her and then Shannon stood up, wiping her cheeks.

“Will you be fine here? I think I am going to find Sayid and help him and maybe talk to him.”

Kate knew Shannon had more to say, but let her go mumbling that she’d be fine. She glanced in the cave where Sawyer was now fast asleep and Jack was beginning the procedure. She decided to go on in.

Jack immediately looked surprised as Kate took a seat behind him.

“What’s a doctor without his nurse?” Kate asked, smirking slightly.

Jack smiled back and immediately put Kate to work. Their unspoken words always seemed to break any tension and silence any problem they might be having. He was glad she came in and was grateful for the help. But, he couldn’t let it go in his heart, is what her motive was but coming in. Was it to help him or to be with Sawyer? He knew he shouldn’t feel like this, that he should trust the love they had found. But, the past has a way of haunting every move he makes and this was no different. And that question of him or Sawyer constantly plagued him when it came to Kate. He really truly was in love with her. And that scared him.

“Here, Jack? Jack?” Kate’s handing him the scalpel shook him back to reality.

“Thanks,” he said as he turned back to full-on doctor mode. His internal thoughts would have to be shelved until later.

As Jack carefully took the scalpel to Sawyer’s neck, Kate instinctively leaned in closer to Jack and then took Sawyer’s hand. Jack immediately became confused and asked for the tweezers and some gauze. Letting go of her grip she had on Sawyer, she handed the tweezers to Jack. With saying a word, or even making eye contact, Jack took the instrument and began the task of removing the device, which could now clearly be seen. The red blinking light began to blink faster and a small siren seemed to go off.

“What the hell?” Jack asked, still trying to get a hold of the device.

On the other end, two people watched as they could see Kate and Jack peering into Sawyer’s neck.

“They’ve discovered it,” was all that was said on the other end

Chapter 24

After removing the device and stitching Sawyer up, Jack carefully cleaned off the still flashing objected and laid it down in front of him.

“What is it?” Kate asked, looking up from her task of cleaning the surgical materials.

Jack shook his head. “I have never seen anything like it, and I have no idea. I’m going to have Sayid look at it whenever he decides to come back.

On this other end, two voices whispered. “They can’t know, not yet.” The Iraqi is too smart.” “Take him out?” “Not yet. Patience.”

Kate eased back and said, “Did you just hear that, that, whispering?” She moved further away from the device. “It’s giving me the creeps.”

Jack sat next to her and placed a protective arm around her. “How are you feeling?”

“Pretty good. I had a great doctor,” she replied with a sly wink.

Yawning, Jack rubbed his eyes. The procedure on Sawyer seemed like it took only minutes but it was in reality, 3 hours later. Darkness was beginning to blanket the island.

“Why aren’t Sayid and Shannon back yet?” Jack said, realizing they were still gone.

“I know Shannon wanted to talk, they probably just want some alone time.”

“Like I want with you,” Jack said, nuzzling his face in Kate’s neck.

Smiling and rolling her eyes in enjoyment, Kate then cupped his chin and kissed him deeply with much passion. His heart skipped a beat, just like the very first time he saw her, and how she makes him feel every time thereafter. Moments like this, he wondered how he could ever even doubt their unison.

Sayid and Shannon entered the cave just then with huge grins and tons of firewood pulled behind them in a net Sayid found.

Jack went over to help with the wood. “We were starting to worry about you two,” he said as he placed the firewood in the corner.

Shannon only blushed and Sayid winked at her. Kate went to help Shannon with the fruit she had gathered. “Had a good ‘talk’ I see?”

Shannon blushed again and said, “And lots more,” with a wink at Kate. They continued to get the fruit put away as Sayid and Jack headed towards Sawyer after unloading the wood. “How is he?” Sayid asked as they stood beside him.

“He’s fine. He will probably sleep at least another 10 to 12 hours, he took a heavy dose of sedatives and I have been dissolving the antibiotics under his tongue. I just have to keep an eye on him to watch for fever or signs of infection.”

“I can help so you aren’t up the entire night,” Sayid offered.

“Thanks,” Jack gratefully replied, as all he wanted to do now was sleep.

“And the device?”

Jack took him to where he left it, where Sayid picked it up and began his examination.

“This is quite a bit larger than I imagined,” he said as the first glance.

Jack agreed. “I am really surprised that Sawyer didn’t complain about his neck sooner.”

While Sayid continued a more detail examination, Jack stepped outside to wash off and get some fresh air. The moon shone bright and Jack took some time to just sit and think. Sometimes he still found it hard to believe where they were ‘living’. And the fact that every single person on this island were his ‘patients’ who had all grown to depend totally on him. He still didn’t know if he could handle all of this. His father had told him all of his life he couldn’t. Why would that change now? Jack just wished like hell he could let the thoughts his father burned into him go.

Kate walked up then, causing a grateful break from the thoughts he was having. She took her place beside him.

“Hey, you okay?”

Jack looked down, “As okay as I can be right now.”

Kate only nodded in return and knew this place and the events that have happened were getting to him. She just hoped she wasn’t part of his troubles.

“Anything I can do?”

Jack took her in a warm embrace and laid his head on her shoulder. It caught Kate off guard because Jack didn’t seem like the cuddly type. She held him close and realized he was crying.

“It’s okay,” she whispered and kept hold him, almost in a slow rocking motion.

Sayid ran out just then. “O I am sorry to interrupt, …. “ he trailed off.

Jack sat up, wiped his eyes, and grabbed Kate’s hand, “No it’s okay. What is it?”

“I think you should come take a look.”

Kate and Jack followed Sayid back to the device and Sawyer. Picking it up, Sayid began explaining how the device was used and its purpose.

Kate sat next to Sawyer and Shannon while Jack remained standing. Kate glanced over to make sure Sawyer’s breathing was normal, and Jack looked over just then, and felt hurt. Even if she was doing something that needed to be done, did it have to be with THAT look?

“Jack, you listening?”

“Yea, sorry,” focusing his attention away from Kate.

“These wires here seem to inject medicine, that is being controlled by whoever put this in Sawyer. Not only that, but this right here is a camera, a special sort that can see straight thru anything, even human skin.”

“So someone is watching us?” Jack asked incredulously.

Kate and Shannon were both wide eyed and scared.

“Yes, someone is, and has not only been watching us, but they have been able to use mind control thru the medicine on whoever has one of these things inside them. Meaning, anyone, ANYONE, who was missing for a while, or, ….. or Claire.” Sayid finished explaining.

On the other end, once again, the whispering began. “They look like they have it figured out.” “He’s too damn smart.” “They are easier targets.” “But he is a large threat.” “Leave it alone.”
“For now.”

Jack grabbed the device, threw it on the ground and stomped on it.

“No one watches us and gets away with it, and this mind control medicine, this is too much,” Jack said. “Not only that, but they probably know what we have discovered and are going to find us. We need to move.”

“We can’t, Jack, not with Sawyer this way,” Kate said.

“She is right. What we are going to have to do is set up a blockade at the cave entrance and no one leaves alone,” Sayid said.

Jack calmed down and agreed and him and Sayid began the task of figuring out what to do with the entrance. “At least we have insight as to what we are dealing with,” Sayid said in an attempt to appease Jack. Jack only nodded then quickly shushed everyone.

“Did you hear that?”

“I did,” Kate said, inching her way to Jack.

“What was it?” Shannon asked, going to Sayid.

“I am not sure, we need to get these rocks and this blockade quickly put together,” Sayid said with a sense of urgency.
As they heard the noise again, this time Sayid and Jack both reached for their guns and were prepared to go outside when a figure appeared in the entrance.

“Michael?!”

Chapter 25

Michael fell to the ground as Jack and Sayid rushed to his side. As Michael sobbed uncontrollably, Kate and Shannon ran over with water.

Kate noticed Michael was saying something, but she couldn’t make it out. “What is he saying?”

A flurry of activity followed as Jack tried to get Michael to look at him. “He is dehydrated and delirious. Let’s get him over there next to Sawyer,” Jack said as Sayid helped lift him up. Shannon quickly made up another ‘bed’ beside Sawyer, where Michael was carefully placed.

As everyone else tended to him, Kate stayed at the entrance. She sighed and felt overwhelmed. Looking around, she took in the sights of yet another patient under Jack’s care and then around her feet, she saw the materials that were to be used for a makeshift door. Was it too much to ask for a moment’s peace? She literally felt like she was going crazy. The stars shone down and she wished they could shed some light in her dark mind.

“They took him, they took him …” Michael kept repeating as Jack tried to get some water in him.

“We know. That is why we are out here, to find you all,” Jack said in his best reassuring voice.

Sayid rose just then. “They are still going to be looking for us. I am going to work on the entrance.”

“Good idea,” Jack said. “Shannon can help here.”

Shannon was getting a washcloth wet to rub on Michael’s head. “Yea, I’m fine here.”

Sayid headed back to the entrance and began digging around in his bag for tools to construct a blockade. Suddenly, it hit him.

“Where’s Kate?” Sayid called back around to Jack.

Nearly dropping the water in his hands, Jack jumped up. “What do you mean where’s Kate?” A sense of panic suddenly washed over him.

“Exactly that,” Sayid said as Jack reached him. “I thought she was right here.”

Jack ran out of the cave and looked back and forth. “Kate! Kate!”

Sayid grabbed his arm and ushered him back inside. “Screaming like that into the dead of night is not such a good idea. It could lead them right to us.”

As frantic as Jack was, he calmed down enough to realize Sayid was right. “I’m going to look for her,” Jack said with intensity.

“Are you sure that is a good idea, seeing as how we have 2 ‘patients’ who need you?”

“She needs me. You would do the same if it were Shannon.”

A silent understanding washed over Sayid. “You are right, you need to be careful, though. We don’t know who or what is out there.”

Jack grabbed his pack and loaded it with water, his gun and plenty of ammunition. Then Jack headed over to Shannon and began giving her instructions.

“What? Me? Where are you going?” Shannon asked incredulously.

“To find Kate. Shannon, you can do this, I know you can.”

Shannon’s eyes filled with tears as no one had said those words to her since Boone.

“Shannon,” Jack said, holding her shoulders, “You can do this, right?”

Shaking her head, Shannon said an almost inaudible, “Yes.”

Jack replied with, “Thank you. I will be back soon,” and then he headed for the entrance.

“We’ll be fine,” Sayid said with a reassuring squeeze on Jack’s shoulder, “Just find her.”

Chapter 26

Thoughts filled Jack’s head as he began his search for Kate. Was she taken? Or did she wander off? She would know better than to wander off, at least he hoped so. All he could see was her face and he knew he had to find her. He was in love. And it scared him. Especially after what happened with Sarah, he knew he didn’t want to mess up again with Kate. After an hour of roaming silently through the dense jungle, he began to whisper her name as he came back to the outskirt areas surrounding the cave.

“Kate? Kate?” He was growing desperate. And panicked. He turned the corner prepared to utter her name again and was immediately tossed backwards to the ground by what he saw in front of him. A black stallion. In the middle of the jungle. Jack’s eyes were still widened as it ran off. He then saw Kate before him.

“You saw it, too?” she said, running to Jack and helping him back to his feet.

“Kate, what the hell are you doing out here? It’s not the smartest thing to do in this place.

“Nice to see you, too,” she said, obviously wounded.

Seeing the hurt in her eyes, Jack silently cursed himself for saying the wrong thing. He pulled her into his arms and held her in a tight embrace.

“I’m sorry, I was just so worried about you and you have been gone a long time. Where did you go?”

Pulling out of his arms, she began to look around as she paced. “Honestly, I feel like I am loosing it. I just want some peace. Then, I saw that horse, and I followed it, in some sort of hope it would prove I am not crazy.” Her eyes filled with tears as she fell into Jack’s waiting arms.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he said as he rocked her gently and rubbed her back.

Looking up at him, she felt a sudden peace wash over her. Jack was here. He saw that horse, too. She wasn’t crazy. Not able to fight it any more, she suddenly took his head in her hands and began a kiss in which Jack happily reciprocated. Their kiss sent chills down their spines as the passion escalated.

Reluctantly, Kate pulled away. She looked at Jack and saw a light in her life that she had longed for.

“I know, we can’t stay here, we need to get back to the cave,” Jack said, cautiously looking around.

“Are we far?” Kate asked, not even realizing that she had been walking for over an hour.

“Not too far, we should get going though.”

Kate leaned her forehead against his. “The horse, it was from my past.”

Jack stopped and looked at her. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing, I just …. Nothing.”

Jack took her in his arms once again and showed silent understanding. It was the way she said it that made him realize what she was feeling. He had felt it, too, on this island. It was when he saw his father.

“Let’s head back,” Jack said quietly as he wiped the tears from her face.

“Okay,” Kate replied, suddenly feeling better. Jack had this way about him that could make any problem disappear.

Back at the cave, Sayid had almost finished a rather complex blockade for the entrance. Complete with lights and some sounds from his old equipment, it was sure to at least notify them should anyone try and come in.

Shannon was quietly taking care of Sawyer and Michael. She was smiling inside. Jack trusted her to do this job and that made her feel good. Since Boone died, she hadn’t truly felt important. Sayid treated her more like a porcelain doll than someone who could actually help. She got their meds together and stuck one under Michael’s tongue and was about to stick one under Sawyer’s when his eyes opened.

“Watch how close you get, Sweetheart.”

Startled, Shannon pulled away. “You’re awake. How are you feeling?”

Sawyer’s eyes surveyed his surroundings and then he felt his neck, which was very sore. “As good as can be for someone who had their neck cut open on a cave floor.”

Grinning at the sarcasm, she knew he was on his way to feeling better. “It’s time for your medicine.”

“Where’s Dr. Feelgood? And I see he has roped in another beauty for his nurse,” pausing, Sawyer saw Michael beside him, “Where the hell did he come from?”

Ignoring the nurse comment, Shannon replied, “Jack went to find Kate and Michael showed up here a couple of hours ago.”

Swallowing his pills, Sawyer tried to sit up and was met with pain and dizziness.

“I wouldn’t sit up just yet,” Shannon said as she placed her hand on his back and eased him back down.

“Since when did you know so much about nursing? I know you couldn’t have learned it from Jack,” Sawyer inquired after he was comfortable again.

“There was a time where I wasn’t sure of what I wanted to do in life, so I tried a little bit of a lot. Nursing was one of them.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“Nobody asked.”

“Point taken.”

Shannon leaned over to check on Michael, who was sound asleep. Sawyer couldn’t help but appreciate the view as she did this.

“Anyone ever tell you that you have a wonderful backside, I mean bedside manner?”

Shannon couldn’t help but blush as she settled back in her spot.

“I’ve told her something similar,” Sayid said as he walked around the corner from the entrance area.

“Ah, there’s Abdul. Leave it to the Iraqi to crash the party.”

Ignoring Sawyer, Sayid turned to Shannon. “The blockade is complete.”

“Are Jack and Kate back?” Shannon questioned.

“Not yet, but we will know when they do, or when and if anyone tries to enter. The alarms will go off.”

Sayid asked Shannon about how each of the patients were doing. “I’m great, thanks for asking me,” Sawyer said.

“How’s Michael?” Sayid asked, ignoring Sawyer.

“He still has a fever, but he’s doing better,” Shannon replied. Not wanting to listen to any banter between the two, Shannon just suggested they all try and rest. Each of them knew that sleep wasn’t going to come to them, but they lay there anyway.

The alarm woke them up with a jerk as Sayid ran to grab a gun.

“It’s gone!” Sayid said, panicked.

Sawyer sat up and Shannon turned to check on Michael. He was gone.

Chapter 27

As Jack and Kate headed back to the cave, Kate couldn’t quiet her thoughts. She wondered if deep inside, Jack just looked at her is someone to take care of. She often felt less than perfect and wondered if he felt that way, too. He always seemed so superior and all knowing. Would she ever be able to measure up in his eyes?

Realizing how quiet she was, Jack took her hand in his. “You okay?”

Kate blinked her way out of her thoughts. “I’m fine.”

“That’s not very convincing,” Jack said with a smirk.

“I think I am just tired.”

“We are almost back to the cave. You can get some rest and I need to check your wound, too.”

With all that she was feeling, she had almost forgot about her wounded side. They both stopped abruptly as they suddenly were in front of Michael, who was holding a gun at them.

“Michael! What the hell is going on?” Jack asked, raising one hand to the gun, and using the free arm as a shield for Kate.

“I’m going to get my son. Step out of the way, man!” Michael snapped angrily.

“Okay, okay. Wait, and let me come with you.”

“No! I am doing this alone. I have to do this alone.”

“It’s not a good idea to go off alone, Michael.”

“And last time I checked, you aren’t my father, Jack. Now MOVE.”

Reluctantly, Jack stepped aside and watched Michael disappear into the night.

“He’s recovered quickly,” Kate said from her shocked state of mind.

“I wonder what the hell happened at the cave,” Jack said as he quickened the pace.

“Jack! Wait!” Kate screamed, struggling to keep up.

As they rounded a turn, they saw the cave, only this time it had the blockade up and alarms were sounding. Sayid was there, silencing the alarms, as Kate and Jack walked up.

“What the hell happened?” Jack demanded. Kate walked on in the cave as Jack got the story from Sayid.

“Kate! You okay?” Shannon asked.

“Yea, I’m fine,” she suddenly saw Sawyer up. “Sawyer, you’re up! Are you okay?” she asked, stepping a little closer to him.

“Thanks to my fine nurse, I sure am,” Sawyer answered with a wink at Shannon.

Kate didn’t know why, but she felt a pain in her heart seeing Sawyer wink at someone other than her. She shrugged it off, knowing it didn’t mean anything. Jack entered and sat beside Sawyer and began checking his neck.

“This is getting ridiculous. We can have our own people run off on their own. It’s idiotic and asinine,” Jack said.

Even though she knew he was talking about Michael, and possibly Locke, Kate couldn’t help but wonder if some of that was directed at her as well.

Said returned to the others just then. “The blockade is sealed again, and the alarms are set.”

“What about Michael? He wasn’t fully recovered and I didn’t get all of his antibiotics in him yet,” Shannon asked with worry starting to fill her face.

“You did all that you could, Shannon. And you did a perfect job,” Jack said as he touched her shoulder.

“I know she sure helped me a lot. Ain’t that right, Sticks?” Sawyer chimed in with a wink.

This time a twinge of jealousy took over two faces. Kate and Sayid. And Jack definitely noticed. After checking Sawyer’s bandages one more time, Jack got up and started going thru his pack for ammunition. He just wanted to be away from everyone, so he went to the entrance with his pack, a bottle of water and some fruit and sat down. He stared at the blockade and admired Sayid’s ingenuity and craftsmanship. Kate walked up just then, starling Jack from his thoughts.

“Mind if I sit down?” Kate shyly asked.

“As a matter of fact, I do.”
Kate was instantly confused and put on the defensive by that remark. “Why is that, Jack?”

Jack rose to his feet. “Do you love me, Kate?”

“What kind of question is that? You know I do!”

“Really? Then tell me why every time Sawyer looks at you, you light up a little, and if he flirts with Shannon or anyone else, you look hurt?”

“I do not! And if I did, that was in the past. He is a friend and that is all, Jack.” Kate was already growing very tired of this conversation.

“I don’t buy it.”

Furious at this point, Kate angrily said, “The problem here isn’t me, Jack, it’s you! You are constantly jealous of Sawyer and it has nothing to do with me. Since I have been with you, I am with YOU and no one else. If anything, my feelings keep growing stronger for you. And if you can’t see that, well, then that is your problem. And another thing, if any of this has to do with your past or maybe your past wife, yes Sun told me about the ring, then leave it in the past and let me make all new mistakes. I’d rather do that than be unfairly treated.” She walked away after that, leaving Jack feeling defeated.

Sitting back down, he thought about what Kate had just said. And she was right. He scolded himself for letting Sarah change him so much. Before her, he was trusting and always gave 150% in his relationships. Since she cheated on his and then left him, he felt damaged and expected the worst. He didn’t want to mess anything up with Kate. She meant the world to him. He took his pack and laid down on it. If he slept some, he was sure his head would be clearer.

Jack awoke a few hours later with a jump as the sun shone in through the blockade. He stood and washed off a little in the water basin and then walked around to the other side of the cave, where he found them all sleeping. Shannon was sleeping near Sawyer and Sayid was on the other side of her. He looked around and found Kate off to the side, alone and looking beautiful. He instantly felt bad for ever feeling jealous. He leaned down beside her and kissed her softly on the cheek. Her eyes fluttered open and a smile blanketed her face as she saw Jack. She sat up and took him in her arms. No words were needed as he laid his head in her lap, with her rubbing his head.

by Renee Furlow ... Not to be copied. And this story is not done, just wanted to post what I had up!

Facts about me

2009-10-04T12:38:00.000-07:00

September 21 the world received meIn lovely Dallas, TexasNot only was I Daddy's little girlBut he was my safe haven
He was my hero and light That was dimmed in 1989 When he passed awayFrom heart complications His love is alive in me
My son is the most important person in the world Who has taught me patience, true love, and dedication He is my savior in every sense of that word
I was married before I wouldn't call it a mistake I just wouldn't call it wise But out of my time with him, I received the best gift My angel of a son Can't always trust your heart
I had a total hysterecomy in March 2004 Menopause at my age is a blast, let me tell you My medical issues are numerous But I learn to deal
I have bipolar, anxiety disorder, and fibromyalgia I take many meds a day and am not ashamed of it I say, whatever keeps me ticking, I will keep popping
I am independent, stubborn, and very set in my ways My priorities are finally mine With Austin being number one And the love of my life being number 2 I am on disability
I feel that my dreams are finally coming true With my roads certainly leading up And the bottom isn't coming out for once
And once I accepted I didn't need a significant other I found one, and my life's "bonus" is incredible
I am love with the TV shows Moonlight, Lost, CSI NY, NCIS and Psych I collecteverything on those shows And when they are on, I am not to be disturbed Other shows I love are CSI, Terminator:The Sarah Connor Chronicles, True Blood and Eastwick
Fave actors: Matthew Fox, Russell Crowe, Edward Burns, John Cusak Fave Actresses: Evangeline Lilly, Lena Headey, Jennifer Aniston, Olivia Wilde, Angelina Jolie, Elizabeth Mitchell, and Kate Winslet,Fave movies: Imagine Me and You, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,Laurel Canyon, Brokedown Palace, Holy Smoke, White Oleander and many more
Music brings out the creative passion in me.I love Linkin Park, Delirium, Plumb, Lorenna McKennit, Evanescence, Jay-ZI like a variety, way too many to name here
I am a neat freak.I clean AT LEAST 3 or 4 times a week.Hey, some people pick up a drink.I pick up Windex.
I cannot stand to cook.But I can. And I will on occassion.
We live currently in a 3 bedroom house.Which I am loving decorating.
I am extrememly devoted and proud of my faith.My fave time of day is the morning -- where it is all quiet and I do my blessings.I used to be a "Night Owl" and I still ADORE the night and feel close it it.I am just sleeping more through it now. Thanks to some nifty medicine.
I am a Texas girl and thought I always would be.Now I am entertaining the notion of (eventually!) movingAnd I would LOVE a vacation to Hawaii I could kill 2 birds wtih one stone Enjoy a vacationAnd stalk the Lost set Hey, a girl can dream
Writing is my passion Without it, I would lose what is left of my mind.And we all know we do not want that.My poems are the very heart and soul of me and Getting them on paper releases the pent up words
I am not much of a phone talker.Unless it is to people I can't talk to in person
I LOVE to read Mostly books on my bathI am an avid collector
I have certain demons from my past I am finally free of No, I DID NOT run, I CHOSE to cut things off for my own sanity For safety, health and legal reasons.
There is no greater sounds than Austin's "I love you Mommy" or "Mommy, you are the best" I could write a book on just his words, but let's face it, this is supposed to be a list
I CANNOT STAND HYPOCRITES OR INTOLERANCE! I could never change my yesterdays Because they made my todaysMy head is often not 100% clear, but as least I have room to clear it out
My life's motto: To leave 2 marks: one with my pen, and one with my heart

Some poetry by me

2009-10-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

"Locked"

And somehow I know
The locked parts inside
I have lost the key
I need to just hide

I don't like it like this
I am so imprisoned'
I can't see the way out
If only I'd listened

The bruises I have
Cover every inch of me
I don't know how to heal
So that I may finally see

And somehow I know
Even with my locked inside
You'll one day find the key
And I'll no longer have to hide

Copyright© Renee

"Save It"

Dry your eyes
The tears aren't real
You can no longer manipulate
The way that I feel

Quiet your voice
You portray the victim
Merely to get sympathy
They don't even know you've tricked them

Hush your thoughts
Sadly, you believe your lies
You brought this upon yourself
And I refuse to sympathize

No more bullshit 'I love yous'
Tired of your constant mind fuck
I chose to simply walk away
And at last, I feel unstuck

Copyright© Renee

"Gentle Hauntings" (named for my blog)

A bared, haunted and broken soul
Evident thru these very pages
Falling down this deep, dark hole
Its feels I've been there for ages

Am not here to merely sugarcoat
And my writings are not to gain pity
It's my therapy to read what I wrote
Not all of it is going to be pretty

Despite being completely frozen inside
I know that blessings are all around
All I have to do is look beside
Where they keys lie so I don't feel bound

I see the piece of my reflection
The past; creeping and daunting
Here is where you will find heartfelt affection
Through these pages of Gentle Hauntings.

Copyright© Renee

An Evening For Two

2009-09-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

On a star lit evening, a horse drawn carriage came to a stop in front of Hotel Westminster Concord. A proper young woman emerged, wearing a long petticoat with a hoop skirt and a blue bonnet adorning her long tendrils. The hotel doorman took her hand and helped her out of the carriage while the driver went to the back to grab her luggage. A telescope captures all of this from across the street where a man heads out his door toward the hotel.

“Right this way, Miss,” the doorman said, taking her arm.

Inside, Senator Crittendon awaited his new bride. He was anxious to see her since it had been a month. President Lincoln had him busy on his new Emancipation Proclamation, which kept him out of town. It also kept him in the way of a lot of controversy, for there were many people against this. Suddenly all of those thoughts vanished as he saw Emily heading his way.

Rising to meet her, he drank in her beauty and said, “Why hello there Mrs. Crittendon.”

Curtseying, she flashed a brilliant smile, “Hello there Mr. Crittendon.”

As they sat down he asked her about her trip which she said was fine. He tried to tell her about the goings on in the White House to which she stopped him.

“No business tonight, honey.”

“Fine by me, sweetheart, the night is ours.”

Suddenly entering the hotel was the mysterious man in a top hat. He took a seat far enough away from the Senator as not to attract attention, but close enough so that he could make out what was being said. He removed his hat and glanced at the newspaper on the table stained with coffee rings. “Senator Crittendon and President Lincoln to sign Emancipation Proclamation!” the headline screamed. This made the man fumble in his seat as he grew angry. Almost forgetting why he was there, he glanced back at the happy couple.

“I saw Aunt Starla while in Virginia,” Emily stated as she took a sip of her freshly ordered wine.

“And how was she?” Senator Crittendon replied taking in his Scotch.

“She was fine, asked about you. She is always saying you work too much and I can’t say that I disagree with her.”

“Emily you know how important it is now that I am with the President more. This Proclamation will make history.”

“It’s also dangerous, John. There are many people against this and I don’t want you in harm’s way.”

‘He already is,’ thought the man across the way. He knew Senator Crittendon and President Lincoln were the only two people in the way of this Proclamation.

“Why don’t we head to dinner? I have reservations at Beardslee Castle,” Senator Crittendon said.

Grinning, Emily asked, “Just what do you have planned tonight?”

“You’ll see,” he replied.

‘You certainly will,’ the man thought.

As the couple headed out to the horse and buggy, the man followed them out. He decided he would walk to where they were headed. It was brightly lit as it was a full moon out tonight. Taking out his pocket watch, he glanced at the time. 6pm. Plenty of time before his next rendezvous’.

He slowed his pace as he saw them get out at Beardslee Castle. After waiting for them to head in, he went in after and got a table for one. He was a few feet away, but was an accomplished lip reader so that shouldn’t be a problem.

“Why do you have to keep talking about this? I thought this was supposed to be our night!” Emily suddenly exclaimed after they had been there 20 minutes or so.

“I am sorry honey, it’s just really weighing on my mind. Did you know that I received a death threat today? A DEATH THREAT!”

As Emily gasped, the man just smiled at his handiwork.

“You should have the secret service protecting you as well.”

“They are where they should be … with President Lincoln.”

As their food arrived, neither one of them were in the mood to eat. Slowly picking at her food, Emily said words of comfort to her new husband. She knew she was being selfish, he was under a lot of stress, but so was she and he didn’t seem to notice that. The Senator spoke kind words back and the man thought to himself, ‘they better enjoy their last meal together.’

Paying the check, Emily went into the restroom, kissing her husband on the way.

“I will get the carriage ready,” he called after her.

Now was the time. The man exited the restaurant and headed across the street to the deserted building. Pulling a rifle from his trench coat, he positioned him on the 3rd floor. He waited patiently for Emily, he wanted this to happen in front of her. After securing a clear shot, Emily emerged from the restaurant and gave her husband a final kiss. A single shot rang out. The Senator slouched down, blood stains following. Emily screamed. People flooded the area yelling for the police and an ambulance.

The man only smiled, as he headed down the stairs, rifle put back away. He went out the back of the building so as not to attract attention. His next stop: Ford’s Theater where the President would be taking in a play.

by Renee Furlow. Not to be copied or removed without permission.

A short story by me

2009-09-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

“To Be Sure” a story based on fact by Renee Furlow©
Not to be copied or removed without permission

Standing at the ticket counter, she impatiently tapped her credit card as the clerk fiddled with her unmoving terminal.

“And it was just the one ticket, right miss?” the clerk, “Jane”, yelled loud enough for the entire line of people to hear.

“Again, yes, just the one,” she replied, flashing a casual smile at her now audience. She had offers of loved ones to go with her, but she had turned them down. This was a trip she had to face on her own.

To be perfectly honest, “Jane” could have taken all day and it wouldn’t have bothered her or mattered in the least. She was in no hurry to reach her destination. It was a place that she never once wanted to set foot in again. Twelve years ago she had left and never looked back and had zero regrets about that decision.

“Miss? Miss?” “Jane” snapped her from her thoughts by requesting her credit card.

Taking her ticket, she went to the airport bar. She needed something to calm her nerves down a bit and, though it was out of character for her, a good, stiff drink sounded divine.

“Tequila and tonic please,” she requested as she sat down, eyeing the people around her.

Her thoughts floated from her unusually strong drink, to her loved ones she was leaving for this trip, and then to the young father and little girl sitting a table not far away. People had always told her she had to have come from something, though she felt she had come from nothing. Except for her daddy. Taking another sip, she thought about him and his resonating light that still shone in her. She was only truly happy in her childhood when she was with him. Everything from his loving hugs, to their unique games, and to their routine “Scooby Doo” viewings. She caught herself actually smiling.

“Another?” the bartender asked causing her to realize her drink was already gone.

“Oh, um, …”

“You looked a little lost in though there. Drinks disappear that way.”

Laughing, she checked her watch. “Maybe just one more.”
“Sure thing. Must have been some good thoughts.”

“Yes,” she said looking down, “My Dad.”

“Close to him?”

“Yes. I mean, yes I was. He passed away 27 years ago.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Must have been some man to still be able to make you smile like that.”

“He sure was.”

“FLIGHT 1842 TO DALLAS NOW BOARDING AT GATE 23,” the intercom announced.

Reaching for her purse, she grabbed her wallet, “That’s me.”

Waving his hand, “Drink’s on me, enjoy the flight.”

“Maybe the flight,” she said and headed off to board the plane.

As she sat in her window seat, she admired the billowing clouds rolling by. They seemed to resemble the hands of the Gods and she longed for one of them to hold out her daddy for her. Things, she thought, would have turned out much differently had he not been taken from this life so soon. He had passed away at the young age of 35. She was now 38. She couldn’t believe the gap in those numbers. So close they were, yet so far away. She rang for the flight attendant for some water. She decided it was time for the prescribed Xanax. She hated traveling in general, even long car rides, but especially this trip. Her doctor understood and encouraged the use of the pills as needed. She had a feeling they just might be her best friends on this trip. Sighing, she rested her head against the window, waiting on the little pill to do its large task.

There was no one seated next to her, so she didn’t feel quite so closed in, which was helpful. She didn’t really know what to expect when the plane landed, both from her mindset and from the city itself. Though her birth certificate proved otherwise, Dallas was never home in her mind. It had become a representation of fear, sadness, grief and disappointment. Her thoughts suddenly became muddled as the Xanax began taking its job seriously. Her eyes fluttered a few times before finally closing.

“Do you plan on being white trash your entire life?”

“What are you talking about?”

“No college means white trash, but I guess you really don’t give damn about who you are or how it represents me. You have never been much more than worthless anyway!”

“This is unfair!”

Jolted awake by the flight attendant, she rubbed her eyes in hopes it would erase the latest memory that crept into her dreams.

“We will be landing shortly, please fasten your seatbelt,” the attendant said with a smile.

At least she had slept the entire flight. That was at least one part of this godforsaken trip out of the way. One more day before she would be right back here. After gathering her small bag from the overhead compartment, she grabbed a taxi and was on her way to the Holiday Inn. She chose one that was just enough out of the way that she wouldn’t run into anyone she knew. That was most definitely the last thing she wanted to do. It felt strange to be back in this city, seeing the familiar street names go by as the cab sped for its destination. To be here alone was also a bit scary, but this trip was most certainly meant to be a solitary one. There was no sense dragging anyone else into this mess. Her family had understood.

After checking into the hotel under a different name, she reached room 316, and after a quick check of the room itself, she double locked herself in. She could never be too careful in this city. Sitting on the bed, she smiled to herself knowing she was somewhat safe from all of the precautions she had taken. That anominity made her feel a tiny bit on the safe side. That was not an emotion easily felt in this town that was for sure.

Glancing at the clock, she realized she only had two hours to be ready. Reluctantly, she opened her bag and took out the one outfit she had brought and then headed for the shower. A good hot shower would most certainly ease her tension. Showers usually did that for her. Before entering the bathroom, she double checked the locks on the door to ensure her security.

At roughly 3:00, she was in another taxi headed to Restland Funeral Home. She had two things to do once arriving: visit her father’s gravesite with some fresh flowers, and then, go view her mother’s body. It felt almost wrong that she be there as well. To be placed where her father was seemed such an honor, one that her mother didn’t deserve. That was in her mind, anyway. She would never say that aloud. But, there was nothing she could or would do about where her mother was to be buried. One, she didn’t want to be involved and two, she didn’t want to be involved. The less she had to do with any of this mess, the better off she would be. She figured the pros of having her mother at least put to rest somewhere outweighed any possible cons there might be.

After paying for the taxi, she headed for the gift shop where she purchased a bouquet of a dozen blue carnations, her daddy’s favorites. A young gentleman in a golf cart took her to the section where her father’s gravestone lay, and she spent a good amount of time there just reflecting. Reflection of her memories with him, thinking about the horrors of living with her mother, and thinking of her family back home whom she would have loved for him to meet. Checking her cell phone for the time, she decided it was time to head to the viewing room. She didn’t want to be there when anyone else might show up, she wanted to get in and out as quickly as possible.

Upon arriving at the building, she couldn’t help but think this could all be one big joke in order to get her back in town. She wondered if she would get to the room where her mother lay and she would jump and yell “Gotcha!” Insane thoughts, she knew, but all too real in her mother’s mind. Following the funeral director’s route, she arrived at room 23 and with apprehension and hesitation, she peeked around the room to make sure no one else was there. She stepped one foot inside and immediately felt like the little girl who was “not good enough” and “a failure.” These thoughts were embossed on her psyche and she couldn’t help but feel them at this time. Walking further into the room, she saw it was an open casket and felt relieved in a way. At least she would be able to actually see her in her forever restful state. She slowly approached and saw her mother lying there, graying hair with a bad dye job. She was pale and had little make-up on, which was the norm. She was wearing one of her signature house dresses, the blue sleeveless one with the white flowers adorning it. She remembered the mornings she would see her in the kitchen and she would be taking her multitude of pills wearing that dress for what seemed like many days in a row. She had a crinkled brow, making it appear that she went out of this world the same way she lived in it. No jewelry was present, she just appeared plain and distant. The same feeling she evoked in life.

Deciding she had seen enough, she exited the room wordlessly. She had nothing to say, just like the last 12 years. There were no more words that could possibly have changed anything about their relationship. And she was fine with that. She had let that part go many years prior.

Calling for a cab, she waited impatiently in the foyer. She didn’t want to risk anyone recognizing her. She just wanted out. And fast.

“She hasn’t had anyone come to see her.”

“Excuse me?” she asked the director.

“The woman you just saw. Viewing has been open since noon and you are the first to come by.”

Startled, she couldn’t believe she had the time wrong. The next thought was not one of surprise. The way she treated everyone around her, she actually understood why no one would come. Her mother hadn’t exactly been known for holding onto many friends during her tumultuous life.

Seeing the taxi arrive, she thankfully stood up to leave.

“No one should go out alone. You are a good person,” the director said as she walked out the door.

She only smiled as she exited the lobby. She didn’t know just how “good” she was, but she did know she had to come. She decided then and there she wouldn’t stay to see the funeral actually happen. Seeing her mother lifeless and cold was enough.

Upon arrival at the hotel, she phoned the airport to change her flight to that evening instead of tomorrow morning. She was successful and the flight was in 2 hours. She cleaned up, changed and threw what little she had unpacked back in her bag and then called her family to let them know of her change of plans. She felt an absolute sigh of relief wash over her and she had to sit down a moment and catch her breath. Collapsing in the plush chair by the window and the too-loud air conditioning unit, she began to feel her eyes grow warm with the impending tears. She let them out. It was no ordinary cry. She wept. She let out all of the years of anger, hurt, rejection and betrayal. She even raised her voice with an occasional “oh my God” as the tears flowed.

The difference was these were not tears of sadness. These were tears of relief. It was over. The years of constantly glancing over her shoulder had come to and end. She felt absolute relief she would never hear the phrase, “You are such a disappointment to me” from her mother again. The torment, that, even though she hadn’t spoken to her in 12 years, had finally found a way out of her system. Just as quickly as the tears arrived, they departed. She stood up, wiped her face, grabbed her bag and headed for the airport.

“Miss? Can I get you anything?” the flight attendant asked as she settled herself in another window seat.

Thinking for a second, she replied, “No, no thank you,” knowing that she wouldn’t need the Xanax now. Even traveling seemed easier now.

Arriving back home, she decided that she had earned another Tequila and tonic from the airport bar. She said down and noticed the same bartender.

“Back again so soon?”

“Fast trip.”

“Tequila and tonic?”

Smiling ,she nodded.

“How’d it go?” he asked, setting her drink in front of her.

“Actually, fine. Really okay.”

“Why do you say it that way?” he asked as he cleaned the glasses.

“My mother died. That is where I went, to view the body,” she replied, taking a huge drink.

“I am so sorry to hear that. Were you close?”

Laughing, she answered, “Not at all.”

“Then why did you go?”

“I had to be sure.”

“Of what?”

“That it was over.”

The bartender silently understood some of her internal thoughts. “And is it?”

Finishing her drink, and leaving some cash on the bar, she stood up to leave.

“Finally. It is.”

Moved!

2009-09-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

We moved last week from a really crappy 2 bedroom 1 bath house that didn't have central air or a dishwasher ... to a 3 bedroom 2 bath house with cental air and a dishwasher!!! This whole place is open and bright and really makes me feel closer to the Goddess. The house itself is my inspiration!

Austin is doing really well at his Dad's .... there are kids his age at the apartment complex so he gets a lot of chances to play. Which is nice. He also plays with his step brother and step sister when they are there every other weekend. His grades in school are amazing! The lowest grade he has so far is an 80! I am so very proud of him and I miss him so much!

I re read The Red Book by Sera Beak on Sunday ~ Cover to cover. It was so spirtually enlighting that I felt charged up to get back into my Wiccan traditions.

Anyway, that is the latest from me ... Will post more soon!

'Til the next haunt ......

Things Change

2009-07-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

Austin is moving in with his Dad on August 8th for 1 year. I am going to miss him like crazy. But I think it will be good for both him and his dad.

I have been in and out of the hospital lately because I ran out of one of my meds and it made me system go wonky. I am feeling better now.

We went to see Zach's parents last weekend. They had come and picked up Austin and kept him for a week which was really nice. So we spent the 4th down in Port Lavaca.

Other than that not much has been going on. I am trying to get motivated to do my schoolwork but that is proving to be hard. I have some new books I want to read that I can't even get motivated to do. I am bored.

I got approved for disability! Within 60 days I will start receiving checks which will help us out a lot! So I am excited about that.

Well that is the latest from here, 'til the next haunt .......

Summer School

2009-06-08T04:13:00.001-07:00

School is out for the summer. But Austin has summer school starting June 15th. They felt it was best with his autism if he went during the summer. I agree. He gets a break from June 25th-July 13th so he is going to see his dad then. Then he gets out of summer school August 6th and school doesn't start back til August 24th so he is going to go back to his dad's then.

I haven't been feeling the best ..... been mostly laying around watching tv. Austin has been good about helping me around the house so it's been easier.

Other than that, not much is going on. We are going this weekend to see Zach's parents. So that should be fun.

'Til the next haunt ......

Catching up

2009-04-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

In the middle of March, we went to dallas for my husband's brother's wedding ... it was nice. The hotel we stayed in was really cool. Plus it was good to see his family.

Other than that, not much has been going on. I was so stupid the other day, I went to get gas and then drove off with my gas cap on top of my car ... so now i have to buy another one. Stupid me.

I have been in a flare up so mostly been laying around and not doing a whole lot. Been watching a lot of TV and reading. Trying to study too.

I have a disability hearing on the 28th so I hope that goes well. I really need it to go my way. After over 2 years of fighting, I really am tired.

Austin is doing well in school. I just have to work on waking up earlier so that I can get him there by 7:30 ..... I have been lax in that department. Anyway, he is doing well and his teachers have nothing but good things to say about him so that is good.

I have some new shows to add to my list; these are now the shows I watch: House, Chuck, 24, Castle, NCIS, Lost, The Unusuals, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles, Moonlight.

Anyway. that is the latest from here ... please leave me a comment I am missing you guys a lot!

'Til the next haunt ......

Failed

2009-03-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

I failed a test miserably. Now I have to retake it in a few days. I need to slow down and pay attention to what I am doing. I need to do well at school.

I have been volunteering at this place called Shapely Shake Shack They sell Herbal Life products there and i am going to start selling them too. So wish me luck on that .. iwill have a website soon for those interested. They are great products.

Zach didn't get into to his radiology program for this fall term ... he got i nfor next fall term. So he is blah about that .. .he was hoping to get out of where he is working sooner than that. I feel bad and there is nothing I can do to make him feel better.

Austin is feeling much better, even went and spent the night at a friend's house last night. Zach and I had a date night. Zach also said that a co worker offered to watch Austin sometimes for us so we can have a night out. I thought that was cool because we need more than just the occassional night he spends at his friend's house.

Anyway, that i sthe lastest from here ... not all good news unfortunately.

'Til the next haunt ....

The wish Card

2009-03-10T23:37:00.000-07:00

I drew the 9 of cups this morning out of my Celestial Tarot deck. Since this is often called the "wish card", I was glad to stumble across it. It means overcoming something, meeting goals. Well I overcame my fear of starting my school work and took 2 exams already. I got a 100 and a 75 so not too bad. The next set of books have come in and I need to dive into them too. I think I am liking this card!

Austin is starting to feel better ... poor guy. Strep throat is terrible i know. But he has been going to school, so that is good.

I haven't been sleeping right again, the doc told me to take my meds that make me sleepy at night which I have been and now I have been waking up in the middle of the night. Like right now, it's 1:45am. Here is hoping that will change soon.

I haven't written anything else since Feb 11. Of course, I really haven't sat down to try either. Maybe I will try and tackle that tomorrow since I drew the 9 of cups.

Zach's overtime got cut at work so that means a big cut in our financial situation. I always knew this was going to happen because when he begins his school program in the fall (for radiology tech), I knew he was going to have to quit his current job and get a part time job instead. I just wasn't ready for it yet. Please say blessings for us regarding our money situation.

Anyway, that is the latest from here ... til the next haunt .....

Austin's Surgery

2009-03-04T05:37:00.000-08:00

Well Austin's surgery went well, they capped several of his teeth and he came thru with flying colors. he was so tired afterwards and he didn't go to school yesterday. He tried but then came home. So he is at school this morning trying again. I am so proud of him. It was a long day though, they had us get there at 10:30 but didn't wheel him back to surgery til 2:10 and he was back by 3:45 and we were released to go home at 4:30. So it was a long day and considering the hospital was over an hour away, well you can imagine.

Well I got a call from school and he is running 102 degree fever so he is home for th enext couple of days ....... I took him to the doc and he has an ear infection and strep throat. Bad timing!

My books came for my school. I thought I would be super excited and ready to read them, but I am not lol. That time will come, I am sure. I have time.

Anyway, that is the latest from here .....

'Til the next haunt .....

Monday

2009-02-27T11:43:00.000-08:00

Well, we have to be at the hospital at 10:30 on Monday morning for Austin's surgery, checking in to the 4th floor. I am so nervous. I am sure all will be okay, but I just hate that my baby has to have surgery.

I am officially in school! I signed up for an online course for Medical Transcriptionist and I start as soon as my books get here ! I am so excited .... this will lead to great opportunity to work at home or at a doctor's office or hospital. So I am really excited.

No more thoughts of calling mother .... thank goodness. I now realize that nothing that woman could say could change the way I feel and I also can tell you, that even after 5 years, she hasn't changed. So I am letting her go ... again ... I fear that I will have to have moments of letting her go from time to time but that is okay.

We got new dishes last night, we have been needing some dishes and so now we have a matching set which is great. also got some new silverware so all of that matches too! so yay!

Anyway, that is the lastest here ..... what have you guys been up to ? Hope that you will leave me a comment, I miss you guys! :)

'Til the next haunt ......

Thanks to Jacquelyn

2009-02-17T07:20:00.001-08:00

I have a new header .. what do you think ? I aboslutely love it ! Thanks hunny !

We got Austin's surgery date ~ March 2nd. the hospital will call us Feb 27 to let us know what time to be ther e and his drinking and eating schedule before surgery. I am so nervous. I am sure he will do fine, but I am a mom, I can't help but be nervous.

I have the Tarot of Transfermation and drew this card today ~ the 1 of wands ~ grounding for creativity. I hope this means my writers block is starting to go away. I did actually write a poem on Feb 10th which I will share with you in a minute. This card means the starting or beginning of new thinking, thoughts and ideas. An unstoppable moviement. It is however the Ace of Wants which makesit a pretty pwerful card.While cards 2-19 in this suite mean hiding from the truth or afraid of facing the truth, this card means the opposite. Mental forces, truth and justice, fortitude and strengtj.

I have seen He's Just Not That Into You 3 times so far and I absolutely love it. I can't wait for it to come out on DVD. I mainly watched for Justin Long and boy was he a cutie in this movie. If you haven't seen it, RUN to your nearest theater. Don't think about it, just go!

Ok here is the poem I write the other day ~ It's called "Transenction"

There's this way you touch my face

It trancends all of space and time

It keeps me grounded in this place

You make me feel amazed and fine

As you caress my shoulder, I am transported

To a stream of concsiousness that takes me away

As I sink into your arms I know that I am supported

Sweet kisses acress my neck fade the day away

As our bodies mesh into one, I feel a completeness

One that makes magical happenings flow about

As I lay in your arms I am amazed by your sweetness

And I know that instantly you have gained some clout

Well there ya have it , the first poem I have written in months. It's not very good but it's a start,

I found this on the net the other day which I just found heartfelt and it really spoke to me, there was no copyright info, so if it is yours let me know and iwill gladly credit ~ It's called "Weaving"

We must learn to walk in balancesacred steps to takeWeaving peace and understandingthrough all that we createA tapestry of love and lightfinest threads of goldSacred flame ever burning brightthrough all that we beholdWhen we learn to walk in balancethe healing will take placeThe healing of this earth Our Motherthe healing of the human raceA tapestry of love and lightfinest threads of goldsacred flame ever burning brightthrough all that we behold.

Isn't that amazing?

Yesterday was a great day off with the family , we got laundry and dishes done and then we went and bought a couple of shelfs for our bedroom so I could get some of my witchy stuff up off the floor and get my altar organized. I must say it looks great!!!!!!!

Anyway, I think I have rambled on long enough this time, so I will let you go ~

'Til the next haunt .........

Not Ready to Make Nice

2009-02-15T16:29:00.000-08:00

This goes out ot my mother ~ had to get this off my chest ~

"Not Ready ot Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds goodForget, I’m not sure I couldThey say time heals everythingBut I’m still waitingI’m through with doubtThere’s nothing left for me to figure outI’ve paid a priceAnd I’ll keep payingI’m not ready to make niceI’m not ready to back downI’m still mad as hell andI don’t have time to go round and round and roundIt’s too late to make it rightI probably wouldn’t if I could‘Cause I’m mad as hellCan’t bring myself to do what it is you think I shouldI know you saidCan’t you just get over itIt turned my whole world aroundAnd I kind of like itI made my bed and I sleep like a babyWith no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach herDaughter that she ought to hate a perfect strangerAnd how in the world can the words that I saidSend somebody so over the edgeThat they’d write me a letterSayin’ that I better shut up and singOr my life will be overI’m not ready to make niceI’m not ready to back downI’m still mad as hell andI don’t have time to go round and round and roundIt’s too late to make it rightI probably wouldn’t if I could‘Cause I’m mad as hellCan’t bring myself to do what it is you think I shouldI’m not ready to make niceI’m not ready to back downI’m still mad as hell andI don’t have time to go round and round and roundIt’s too late to make it rightI probably wouldn’t if I could‘Cause I’m mad as hellCan’t bring myself to do what it is you think I shouldForgive, sounds goodForget, I’m not sure I couldThey say time heals everythingBut I’m still waiting

'til the next haunt ....

Surgery

2009-02-13T01:36:00.000-08:00

Well I am dowm to 144 so I have lost 8 pounds! Now if I could just keep this up I will be doing good. I am doing my home work outs, eating better and drinking more water.

So i took Austin to the dentist thinking it would just be a regular ole' cleaning, but the doc found 4 caveties .. two he took care of in the office and two he has to have surgery for. He needs caps on his permanent molars. My baby has to have surgery!:( We go to his regular doc Tuesday, then from there the surgical consulatant will call us with the surgery date and where we have to go. Zach will take off that day to be with me and to drive us since I don't drive in Austin.

On another note, I went out with an ex boyfriend last night to dinner. It was nice to see him agian, he paid for dinner and then we hugged goodbye. It was nice.

Anyway, that is the latest here .....

'Til the nect haunt ....

Weight loss goals

2009-02-07T17:48:00.000-08:00

i weigh 152. There i said it. And it's all in my stomach. People think I am pregnant because of the weight I have there. I have started eating right and drinking more water. And i worked out a little bit at home on the Fit channel. But i want to lose the weight now. i want it to be easy and just magically lose the weight. I know that can't happen, but boy it would be nice. It's just all frustrating and I am at my wit's end.

On another note, I found my brother on facebook. Now al ot of you didn't know I had a brother because I don't talk about him. He pretty much abandoned me when my mom did. All because he was scared of her. I sent him a message, whether or not he replies, still remains to be seen. At this point, it would be nice, but I could care less.

Found some of my old high school friends on Facebook and we have been having a great time going back and forth. Am lucky i ran into them. One being my best friend, Marla. i am so excited.

Anyway, that is the latest here ... if I can just stick with working out, then I will be all good.

From the Daily Om : The Dance of Intimacy

2009-02-06T19:15:00.000-08:00

Anyone in a long-term relationship knows that the dance of intimacy involves coming together and moving apart. Early in a relationship, intense periods of closeness are important in order to establish the ground of a new union. Just as a sapling needs a lot more attention than a full-grown tree, budding relationships demand time and attention if they are to fully take root. Once they become more established, the individuals in the union begin to turn their attention outward again, to the other parts of their lives that matter, such as work, family, and friendships. This is natural and healthy. Yet, if a long-term relationship is to last, turning towards one another recurrently, with the same curiosity, attention, and nurturance of earlier times, is essential.
In a busy and demanding world full of obligations and opportunities, we sometimes lose track of our primary relationships, thinking they will tend to themselves. We may have the best intentions when we think about how nice it would be to surprise our partner with a gift or establish a weekly date night. Yet somehow, life gets in the way. We may think that our love is strong enough to survive without attention. Yet even mature trees need water and care if they are to thrive.
One of the best ways to nourish a relationship is through communication. If you feel that a distance has grown between you and your partner, you may be able to bridge the gap by sharing how you feel. Do your best to avoid blame and regret. Focus instead on the positive, which is the fact that you want to grow closer together. Sometimes, just acknowledging that there is distance between you has the effect of bringing the relationship into balance. In other cases, more intense effort and attention may be required. You may want to set aside time to talk and come up with solutions together. Remember to have compassion for each other. You’re in the same boat together and trying to maintain the right balance of space and togetherness to keep your relationship healthy and thriving. Express faith and confidence in each other, and enjoy the slow dance of intimacy that can resume between the two of you.

Why Can't You Turn and Face Me?

2009-02-02T11:42:00.000-08:00

I actually tried to call my Mom the other day. What the hell was i thinking? Some miraculous melody of "it's so good to hear from you" and "how are you doing?" Not my mom. I really don't know what I expected, I just felt the urge to call for some reason. But there was no answer. *Whew* After all of the years of abuse and hurt that woman caused me, she shouldn't get the priviledge of talking to me.

So I am a stay at home mom, a house dweller. And I should do more around the house. Zach is feeling the pressure of me not having a job and it's getting to him. We had a falling out the other night about all of this ... it's hard to explain, I mean I just don't feel good most of the time. I am going to try and do more around the house. So that should help out. I want to be able to contribute and I do some with child support and SSI but I want my disability to come thru so that I am doing more. Just pray and cross everything that this be approved. I don't know what else to do.... It's been going on 2 years and I am getting tired. ....

This song reminds me of my mom ~ "Passive" by A Perfect Circle:

“Dead as dead can be,” my doctor tells meBut I just can’t believe him, ever the optimistic oneI’m sure of your ability to become my perfect enemyWake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybeSomeday I will walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”Maybe you’re better off this wayLeaning over you here, cold and catatonicI catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have beenIt's your right and your ability To become…my perfect enemy…Wake up (we'll catch you) and face me (come one now), Don’t play dead (don't play dead) Cause maybe (because maybe)Someday I’ll (someday I'll) walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”Maybe you’re better off this wayMaybe you’re better off this wayMaybe you’re better off this wayMaybe you’re better off this wayYou’re better of this; you’re better off this;Maybe you’re better off!Wake up (can't you) and face me (come on now), Don’t play dead (don't play dead)Cause maybe (because maybe)Someday I’ll (someday I'll) walk away and say, “You fucking disappoint me!”Maybe you’re better off this wayGo ahead and play deadI know that you can hear thisGo ahead and play deadWhy can't you turn and face me?Why can't you turn and face me?Why can't you turn and face me?Why can't you turn and face me? You fucking disappoint me!Passive aggressive bullshit

'Til the next haunt ~

from the daily om

2009-01-28T12:13:00.000-08:00

The idea of trusting the universe is a popular one these days, but many of us don’t know what this really means and we often have a hard time doing it. This is partly because the story of humankind is most often presented as a story about struggle, control, and survival, instead of one of trust and collaboration with the universe. Yet, in truth, we need to adhere to both ideas in this life.
On the one hand, there is much to be said about exerting control over our environment. We created shelter to protect ourselves from the elements. We hunted for animals and invented agriculture to feed ourselves. We built social infrastructures to protect ourselves and create community. This is how we survive and grow as a civilization. However, it is also clear that there are plenty of things that we cannot control, no matter how hard we try, and we often receive support from an unseen force – a universe that provides us with what we cannot provide for ourselves.
It is a good idea to take responsibility for the things in life that we can control or create. We work so we can feed, clothe, and shelter our loved ones and ourselves. We manifest our dreams and visions in physical form with hard work and forethought. But at a certain point, when have done all that we can, we must let go and allow the universe to take over. This requires trust. It requires a trust that runs deeper than just expecting things to turn out the way we want them to. Sometimes they will, and sometimes they won’t. We develop equanimity and grace as we learn to trust that, with the guiding hand of the universe, life will unfold exactly the way it should. We are engaged in an ongoing relationship with a universe that responds to our thoughts and actions.

'Til the next haunt ~

Lost my Way

2009-01-28T06:34:00.000-08:00

So I was thinking the other day about my spirituality. I am a Wiccan, a Witch, a Pagan. But lately I have strayed and it's really getting to me. I just don't have the gusto to make it right, either. So here I sit, knowing what I need to do, yet not doing a damn thing about it. I need some inspiration. I need some lift. I need someone to share their good vibes with me. Please.

Anyway, was thinking about my fave songs today too and thought I would post them here for you ~

Papercut ~ Linkin Park
Elsewhere ~ Sarah McLachlan
Never Too Late ~ Three Days Grace
Savin Me ~ Nickelback
Two Weeks ~ All That Remains
Sick Cycle Carousel ~ Lifehouse
Fast Car ~ Tracy Chapman
One Step Closer ~ Linkin Park
Down With the Sickness ~ Disturbed
Loser ~ Three Doors Down
When I'm Gone ~ Three Doors Down
Passive ~ A Perfect Circle
A Current Obsession ~ Lacuna Coil
The Scientist ~ Coldplay
Love Remains the Same ~ Gavin Rossdale
Deliver Me ~ Def Leopard

Anyway, other than that not much has been going on around here. I haven't heard from my lawyer since that first week I lost my job. He is getting medical records together for me and waiting on them to schedule a new hearing. Getting disability is hard ... I have been at this for 2 years. At least I have a lawyer fighting for me.

Well that is it ~

'Til the next haunt ~ ......

A Sigh

2009-01-25T15:55:00.000-08:00

Well remember my friend that I spoke of that hadn't talked to me in years because of a mistake ... well we talked today and it was so nice. She said it was water under the bridge now and to not even worry about it. So that was nice.

Just got back from seeing Underworld : Rise of the Lycans. I thought it was okay. It wasn't too long which was nice. Zach thought it was alright. It was just nice to go to a movie together. Austin is at a friend's house. The same friends spent the night here last night so I had 3 kiddos here .. I really have to admire anyone that has more than one kiddo ... I couldn't do more than one full time I don't think. So kudos to you parents out there ~ you have more strength than me.

The doc gave me a new med for my fibromyalgia ~ Lyrica. It's supposed to help greatly. So far I think it's helping, you have to build up to it. So I am taking it like the directions say and I will let you know how well it does. I just hope that this is the answer to all of the pain. I can't take much more of this pain.

Anyway, that is the latest from me ....

'Til the next haunt .....

Ace of Cups

2009-01-20T02:01:00.000-08:00

I did my card a day drawing from my Celestial Tarot deck and I drew the Ace of Cups. Meaning new hope, new beginings, spiritual fulfillment, love, intmacy and happiness. I am hoping this means that my new found quest to return to my spiritual side is just on the horizon. I have strayed in the last year or so, not even reading anything, so I must get back to it.

Austin had a 4 day weekend .. tomorrow being the last night. Or today I guess I should say. My days and nights are running together as I am awake again in the middle of the night. This pain is just unbearable. I wish the doctor's could do more. I go see him again Thursday so am going to ask him about it.

There is just not much TV on at this time of the morning. I am watching Fresh Prince of Bel Air right now .... I just finished watching some recordings I had of The L Word and The New Adventures of Old Christine. Gotta love DVR.

Zach is feeling better so that is good. His throat still hurts but other than that, he seems to be doing better. So that makes me happy.

We haven't been doing much, Austin and me have just been hanging around the house while Zach is at work. I don't have the energy to do much, so we cuddle a lot.

Lost comes back Wednesday!!!!! I am so so excited :)

Anyway, til the next haunt ....

Flare ups and Sickness

2009-01-17T17:32:00.001-08:00

I haven't been sleeping lately. I am in a flare up and it's killing me :( I will be glad when this passes.

Austin won student of the month for january. I took lots of pics and when I get them downloaded I will post them here. This is a big accomplishment for him, a really huge deal. I am so proud!

Zach is getting sick so he has been resting all day. .. so have I. We are a pair aren't we?!

The L Word premieres Sunday ~ I am so excited. Psych came back last week and Lost comes back Wednesday. I cannot wait!

Anyway, that is about it for now ... just wanted to do a quick post. Hope that you are all doing well.

'Til the next haunt ......

now I Tremble

2009-01-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling very statalgic lately. I remembered my best friend's phone number that I had when I was younger. The relationship ended when I didn't show up to her wedding. The guy I was dating at the time was very controlling and abusive and wouldn't let me go. So the friendship dissolved and it's been 5 years and I have not talked to her. I called her today and left her a message so we will see. Hopefully maybe she will call back.

I have been awake since 11pm last night and I am still not tired. My body is physically hurting and exhausted but I just can't get to sleep.

I have been studying the Tarot and trying to learn to read cards. The goal is for me to start doing readings online. I am fascinated by it and I found an amazing forum ~ Aeclectic Tarot ~ with some amazing information on there and the people are just so nice!

I am going to breakfast tomorrow with a friend of mine, Lisa. She is going to pick me up at 8. I am excited, I don't get to see her too often and I don't get out of the house much either so this will be nice.

Well I guess that about wraps up the latest from me ... leaving you will a song, by All that Remains .... "Behind Silence and Solitude":

you face me in silence and hope is in your eyesunspoken yet pleading you wait for my replyalone now i tremble in want of your embracelet not tears fall for me, let me show the waydon't know why you have such belief in mto justify this i'd try eternallyi will not forget what you've done for meshed not a tear i'll be with you endlesslyhow i wish i could saywhat you want to hearlong ago i swore that i'd always keep you neari know now it seems like my vow was empty thenbut in time you will see i'd do it all againi lie back close my eyes againthe dreams are theremy last chance slipped awayyou'll never know i caredi count this with reason as most of my regretnow i hope you can see that i will not forget

Terminated

2009-01-12T09:43:00.001-08:00

That is what happened at my job today ... I was terminated. For missing too many days of work. I can't help it that I was sick .... the manager and everyone were crying ... they didn't want me to go but those are the rules. Meh. I don't know what I am going to do now .... I have been trying to get disability for a couple of years now and going to try even harder now. I have a call in to my lawyer.

On a good note, Kate Winslet won TWO Golden Globes last night ~ I couldn't be happier!

The Giants lost their football game so they are out of the playoffs now ... I really wanted them to win! I love Eli Manning, the quaterback. So I am sad about that.....

Anyway, will post more soon, just gotta process this all in my head .......

2009

2009-01-01T12:23:00.000-08:00

Well happy new year! I can't believe it's 2009 already. I hope this year is a great one and I am determined to make it that way. I am going to reconnect with my spirituality this year, I have strayed away from it and I need to embrace it once again and get close to the Goddess. That is why I am re reading Dianne Sylvan's book The Circle Within. That always inspires me.

I am missing Austin ... he is still at his dad's for the holidays. We pick him up Sunday and I cannot wait!

We went out for New Year's last night for a couple of hours. The place we went was crowded and there were no places to sit. We still had fun, though. We got home before midnight and watched the ball drop on TV. It was nice to celebrate quietly.

I am also determined to blog more this year ~ so expect to see more of me!

'Til the next haunt ....

Blessed Yule

2008-12-25T06:54:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas and Blessed Yule! Not much going on today ... Austin is out of town at his dad's and it's just Zach and me hanging out watching TV. We bought a ham yesterday so Zach is going to cook that for lunch.

I am reading a few books right now ~ Silver Ravenwolf's Hedgewitch, Dealing with a Bipolar Child, Sex and the City and am re reading Dianne Sylvan's The circle Within. Now if I can just concentrate long enough to get some reading done, I will be all good.

My neck has been giving me a hard time ... went to the doc the other day and got some shots and am on some extra meds for it.

That is about it from here ~ I hope that you all have a great holiday and am sending you all hugs and love!

'Til the next haunt ...

I can see clearly now

2008-12-11T05:42:00.000-08:00

I went and had my eye exam the other day and my vision had gotten worse so getting these new glasses was awesome! I can actually see things far away now and not have to hold a book up to my nose to read it.

We had to get rid of our dog. He bit me yesterday morning on my lip so I had to go to the minor emergency center. They reported it to the animal control who came and got my dog yesterday. We signed the dog over to him to go be adopted again, just too much for us to take. It's a little sad but for the best.

Austin is still doing amazing on his medicines. He is on 2 now and they are helping him quite a bit. I am loving him so much on these medicines....he is like a different boy.. not that I didn't love him before, but you know what I mean.

Zach is going to start his radiology program soon at school. It will be very difficult on us financially but it is something that will help us in the longrun. So we just have to keep that in mind.

Work is still going well, I don't really like working Saturdays, but what can I do?! Anyway, enough about that ....

'Til the next haunt .....

Reaching

2008-11-26T13:52:00.000-08:00

After I get off work Friday, we are going to hit a couple of sales around here so I can get some more work clothes -- I really need some.

My friend, Dianne Sylvan, who is also my fave author, has drawn something really amazing .. it's up here at her Deviant art page .. you can order the print... I want one for Christmas! I feel bad, I was supposed to go to her birthday party last weekend but we couldn't get a babysitter. Maybe next year! I really miss seeing her.

Austin is continuing to do well on his medicine. Just today we were standing in McDonald's and he looked at me, smiling, and said, "Why am I so happy?" I told him the medicine is working and it makes me happy, too. He just gave me a hug. How amazing is that?!

This is a Tarot deck I am waiting for ~ here ~. So amazing!

Anyway that is the latest from me .... looking forward to my day off tomorrow for Thanksgiving.

'Til the next haunt .....

PS ~ Lost comes back January 21 ! I so cannot wait!

A Sigh of Relief

2008-11-20T16:37:00.000-08:00

So Austin has been really depressed. He even threatened to kill himself at school the other day. He has been moody, angry and all in all hard to deal with. It's been quite the toll on me. But, today, he went to the psychiatrist and he put him on Risperadone 4 mg and I gave him one and already I can see a difference! I didn't realize the medicine would work that fast. But it is certainly a welcome thing. I can finally talk to him without him freaking out. It's a wonderful feeling.

Things are still going great at the bank. I really really like it. And the time just flies by really quickly so that is good.

Austin had some DVDs that he no longer wanted so we put them on Ebay and we sold them! So we are going to give the money to Austin. He is excited.

Zach's parents are coming in for Thanksgiving. They are coming Wednesday night and staying that night and Thursday and they are headed back to Port Lavaca Thursday night. His mom works at a bank too so she has to be back at work Friday. I am excited to have them come, they have never come to visit us before so this should be fun.

Anyway, that is the latest from here .... leaving you with a song .... "Papercut" by Linkin Park:

Why does it feel like night today?Something in here's not right todayWhy am I so uptight today?Paranoia's all I got leftI don't know what stressed me firstor how the pressure was fed/but I know just what it feels likeTo have a voice in the back of my headIt's like a face that I hold insideA face that awakes when I close my eyesA face that watches everytime I lieA face that laughs every time I fall(And watches everything)So I know that when it's time to sink or swimThe face inside is here in me/right underneath my skinIt's like I'm/paranoid lookin' over my backIt's like a/whirlwind inside of my headIt's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing withinIt's like the face inside is right beneath my skinI know I've got a face in mePoints out all the mistakes to meYou've got a face on the inside too andYour paranoia's probably worseI don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't standEverybody acts like the fact of the matter isI can't add up to what you canBut everybody has a face that they hold insideA face that awakes when I close my eyesA face that watches everytime they lieA face that laughs everytime they fall(And watches everything)So you know that when it's time to sink or swimThat the face inside is watching you too/right inside your skinIt's like I'm/paranoid lookin' over my backIt's like a/whirlwind, inside of my headIt's like I/can't stop, what I'm hearing withinIt's like the face inside is right beneath the skinIt's like I'm/paranoid lookin' over my backIt's like a/whirlwind inside of my headIt's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing withinIt's like the face inside is right beneath my skin(The face inside is right beneath your skin)(The face inside is right beneath your skin)(The face inside is right beneath your skin)The sun goes downI feel the light betray meThe sun goes downI feel the light betray me(The sun)It's like I'm/paranoid looking over my backIt's like a/whirlwind inside of my headIt's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing within(I feel the light betray me)It's like the face inside is right beneath your skin(The sun)It's like I'm/paranoid looking over my backIt's like a/whirlwind inside of my headIt's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing within(I feel the light betray me)It's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing withinIt's like I/can't stop what I'm hearing withinIt's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

'Til the next haunt ...

Loving my job!

2008-11-11T08:03:00.000-08:00

I have officially started at the bank and I absolutely LOVE it! The job itself is fun and not stressful at all. And the people I work with are amazing , they are so sweet and kind. And willing to help me whenever I need it. It's great.

Austin has a couple of appointments coming up. He goes to the dentist November 20th and then the psychiatrist November 24th. We have been waiting a while to get into both of those so it will be good to get them taken care of. Austin will really benefit from being put on meds. He needs them, with him being bipolar he really needs to be on them. Just as I am.

I have been able to see Zach more so that has been nice. We get off work at the same time so that is good. I love spending time with him.

Anyway, that is about the latest here, not much going on. I will write more soon!

'Til the next haunt .....

Growing stronger each day

2008-11-02T07:28:00.000-08:00

Well the training is going well so far. I have one more week of training before I will be at the bank. There is so much to learn and know! I am feeling a little overwhelmed. And the hour drive to Austin is killing me... it's so long! At least I am not driving, I am so thankful for Kelly and her driving!

We didn't do anything for Halloween, Austin didn't want to do anything so I went to bed at 6:30 .. I was tired!

I have been feeling better since I have been on my anti depressant. Celexa really works. So that is a good thing.

I have been missing Zach ~ we don't see each other as much with me training in Austin so I have been missing him!

Leaving y0u with this song by All That Remains ~ Two Weeks:

and you neglected I called you out don't please I said we're stronger than this now you resurrected mistakes years past it seemed and they exist to still haunt you and still you feel like the loneliness is better replaced by this I don't believe it this way and I can see the fear in your eyes I've seen it materialize Growing stronger each day I could see it as you turned to stone Still clearly I can hear you say don't leave, don't give up on me two weeks and you ran away I remember don't lie to me you couldn't see that it was not that way swear I never gave up on you I wanted nothing but for that trust again and brick by brick you would take it You feared of phantoms and none exist but you you still saw fit to destroy it and still you feel like the loneliness is better replaced by this I don't believe it this way and I can see the fear in your eyes I've seen it materialize growing stronger each day I could see it as you turned to stone still clearly I can hear you say don't leave don't give up on me two weeks and you ran away I remember don't lie to me you couldn't see that it was not that way swear I never gave up on you and you neglected I called you out don't please I said we're stronger than this now You feared of phantoms and none exist but you you still saw fit to destroy it and I can see the fear in your eyes I've seen it materialize growing stronger each day I could see it as you turned to stone still clearly I can hear you say don't leave don't give up on me two weeks you ran away I could see it as you turned to stone still clearly I can hear you say don't leave don't give up on me two weeks and you ran away I remember don't lie to me you couldn't see that it was not that way swear I never gave up on you

'Til the next haunt .......

The job is mine!

2008-10-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

I got the job! I am so excited :) I start the 28th and I couldn't be happier! The first week is training in Austin which is about an hour away. I am going to carpool with someone else who is going so I won't have to drive which is good. I was nervous about that.

Thought I would list my faves here .. since I don't have much else to talk about ...

Fave actors:

1. James McAvoy 2. James Roday 3. James Franco 4. Timothy Olyphant 5. Matthew Fox

Fave Actresses:

1. Evangeline Lilly 2. Angelina Jolie 3. Kate Winslet 4. Kerri Russell 5. Lena Headey

Fave TV shows:

1. Lost 2. Psych 3. House 4. True Blood 5. Moonlight

Fave Movies:

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 2. White Oleander 3. Laurel Canyon 4. Go
5. Heavenly Creatures

Fave bands/singers:

1. Linkin Park 2. Lacuna Coil 3. Within Temptation 4. 3 Doors Down 5. 3 Days Grace

'Til the next haunt ...

Now it seems I'm fading

2008-10-20T08:50:00.000-07:00

I had a great job interview on Friday. It was at a bank and the hours of the job would be 10-2 Monday - Friday and some Saturdays from 9-1. I am so excited. The hours would be perfect for me and the bank is only about 5 minutes away. The lady who interviewed me said she was really impressed with me and that she really liked me. So that is a good sign. She said she would be making her decision Tuesday so I am nervous and awaiting tomorrow to come.

We went and saw Max Payne yesterday with Mark Wahlburg. It was okay, not that great. But it was good to get out. Then we went to Wal Mart and got a few things. Then later we went grocery shopping. I love Sundays, those are Zach's only days off so we usually spend it hanging out together. We also watched football. The Cowboys got beat bad and so did the Colts, another team I love. I love Peyton Manning so that is why I like the Colts.

Not much going on today, it's a quiet day. I have done dishes and some cleaning and that is about it. Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment which I am anxious for. Am going to talk to him about my depression and my back. So kill two birds with one stone there.

I hope that Austin has a better week in school. I really wish there was more I could do to help him, but there isn't. I went and had lunch with him Friday which he liked. I brought him McDonald's so he enjoyed that.

We have gotten some new Evangeline pictures the last couple of days so that has been good. She is so pretty. The pictures have been from her upcoming movie, Afterwards. I can't wait to see that movie! I hope it comes to the theater here. This is such a small town sometimes we don't get some movies, so I hope that Afterwards is one we will get. Also, The Sarah Conner Chronicles was ordered for the full season, so that is good news!

Leaving you with this song by Three Days Grace, "Take Me Under":

Now it seems I’m fadingAll my dreams are not worth savingI’ve done my share of waitingAnd I’ve still got nowhere else to goSo I wait for you toTake me all the wayTake me all the waySeems you’re wanting me to stayBut my dreams would surely waste awayAnd I still have nowhere else to goSo I wait for you toTake me all the wayTake me all the wayPush me underPull me furtherTake me all the wayTake me all the wayPush me underPull me furtherTake me all the wayTake me all the wayNow it seems you’re leavingBut we’ve only just begunAnd you’ve still got nowhere else to goSo I wait for you toTake me all the wayTake me all the wayPush me underPull me furtherTake me all the wayTake me all the wayPush me underPull me furtherTake me all the wayTake me all the wayAnd I’ve been waiting so longAnd I’ve been waiting so longAnd I’ve been waiting so longSo I wait for you toTake me all the wayPush me underPull me furtherTake me all the wayTake me all the wayPush me underPull me furtherTake me all the wayTake me all the wayAnd I’ve been waiting so longAnd I’ve been waiting so longAnd I’ve been waiting so longSo I wait for you toTake me all the wayTake me all the way

'Til the next haunt .....

You're getting closer to pushing me off of life's edge

2008-10-16T07:16:00.001-07:00

It's been a quiet few days here. Not much has been going on. I am feeling empty as usual and trying to feel better is a dream at this point. I almost didn't post in here because I fear there is nothing to say and I don't want to bore people. My life really isn't that interesting. Zach has been great, always there with a kind word or a hug. I am really blessed to have him as a husband. He understands me and loves me anyway, can't beat that.

And Austin is wonderful, he has been going thru some self esteem problems, though, which has me worried. I don't like him not feeling good about himself. And he keeps saying he has "bad luck". He says he has no friends at school, that no one picks him there, and that he is by himself at recess. I feel for him, I want to make it better and there is nothing I can do ... I don't know what to do about it. I feel like he isn't happy and that is my fault. Maybe if I was happy, he would be, too. Though I don't show him the sad part of me, he only gets the smiles and such. So I doubt he even knows I am depressed.

I have a doctor's appointment Tuesday morning about my depression. See I take meds for my bipolar but am not on an anti depressant and maybe I should be on one. There isn't a psychiatrist here anymore so I have to go to my regular doctor for it. We will see what he says.

I called the hotel I applied for a job at and they said they weren't looking at resume's until next week so I have to wait for that. And the banks I applied at go thru their HR department so I just have to wait and see if they call. I know one of the banks sends out letters if you aren't qualified so I guess I can hope to not get one of them.

I wrote to a few of my fave celebrities a couple of months back and yesterday I received something from Alex O Loughlin, star of Moonlight. He sent me an autographed picture that says "To Renee Best Wishes , Alex O Loughlin xox" I was so excited! That gives me hope that I will get something from the rest of them! I wrote to James McAvoy, James Roday, Dule' Hill, Matt Damon and Evangeline Lilly. So we will see!

Leaving you with 3 Doors Down, "Loser":

Breathe in right away, Nothing seems to fill this placeI need this every time, Take your lies get off my caseSomeday I will find a loveThat flows through me like thisThis will fall away, this will fall awayYou’re getting closer to pushing meOff of life’s little edgeCause I’m a loser And sooner or laterYou know I’ll be deadYou’re getting closer, You’re holding the rope, I'm taking the fallCause I’m a loser, I’m a loser, yeahThis is getting old, I can’t break these chains that I holdMy body’s growing cold, There’s nothin left of this mind Or my soulAddiction needs a pacifier, The buzz of this poison is taking me higherThis will fall away, This will fall awayYou’re getting closer, to pushing meOff of life’s little edgeCause I’m a loser and sooner or laterYou know I’ll be deadYou’re getting closer, You’re holding the rope and I’m taking the fallCause I’m a loserYou’re getting closer, to pushing me Off of life’s little edgeCause I’m a loser and sooner or laterYou know I’ll be deadYou’re getting closer, You’re holding the rope And I’m taking the fallCause I’m a loser

'Til the next haunt ....

Pics

2008-10-14T10:42:00.000-07:00

Me nad my new haircut ...... Austin and his long hair ~ Me and Austin.

Just wanted to share some new pics...hadn't taken

any in a while. Love to hear what you guys think!

Think I'm going to cry, don't know why

2008-10-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

Texas won! We watched the Texas/OU game Saturday and yay Texas won 45-35. I was so happy. The Cowboys lost in overtime on Sunday. They gave it up ... should have won. Our weekend was filled with football.

Saturday I went and got my hair cut ... it's cute. It's shoulder length now, pretty short. But I like it, much more manageable.

I applied at a hotel and a bank, so am waiting to see if I hear back from either one of them. I hope that I do. I am going tomorrow to apply at another bank. I am trying that is for sure.

My depression is really starting to get the better of me. I have been down for a while now and I am not sure how to get back up. I am trying and Zach is being so great. I just don't know what to do ...

Leaving you with a song from Ani DeFranco ~ "Cradle and All":

fourteenth street and the garbage swirls like a cyclonethree o'clock in the afternoon and i am going homef-train is full of high school studentsso much shouting, so much laughterlast night's underwear in my back pocketsure sign of the morning aftertake me hometake me home and leave me therethink i'm going to cry, i don't know whythink i'm going to sing myself a lullabyfeel free to listenfeel free to starei live in new york, new york the city that never shuts upin the daylight everything is so goryyou can hear snatches of stranger's sorry storiesand i moved there from buffalo but that's nothingthe trico plant moved to mexicoleft my uncle standing out in the coldsaid here's your last paycheck have fun growing oldtake me hometake me home and leave me therethink i'm going to cry, i don't know whythink i'm going to sing myself a lullabyfeel free to listenfeel free to starerockabye babyin the tree topwhen the wind blowscradle will rockwhen the bough breaksthe cradle will falland down will come babycradle and allyouth is beautymoney is beautyhell, beauty is beauty sometimesit's the luck of the drawit's the natural lawit's a jokeit's a crimei was boredyou were boredit was a meeting of the mindsnow it's three in the afternoon and i can't leave too soonsaying thank you, i had a nice timetake me hometake me home and leave me therethink i'm going to cry, i don't know whythink i'm going to sing myself a lullabyfeel free to listenfeel free to starerockabye babyin the tree topwhen the wind blowscradle will rockwhen the bough breaksthe cradle will falland down will come babycradle and allmaybe i'll live my whole lifejust getting bymaybe i'll be discoveredmaybe i'll be colonizedyou could try to train me like a petyou could try to teach me to behavebut i'll tell you, if i haven't learned it yeti ain't gonna siti ain't gonna staytake me hometake me home and leave me therethink i'm going to cry, i don't know whythink i'm going to sing myself a lullabyfeel free to listenfeel free to stare

'Til the next haunt .....

There's a Light that I can't Find

2008-10-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

I had to go to the emergency center yesterday. I pulled my back out ~ They gave me a shot, and prescriptions for steroids and pain meds. Fun stuff. I am not even sure how I did it , I was just aware of the intense pain!

My ex-boyfriend called me yesterday out of the blue. I hadn't talked to him in months. He just wanted to catch up and invite me to lunch sometime. It was good to talk to him. I don't know about lunch, I know that would bother Zach if i did that. But who knows.

Had open house tonight at the school and got to see some of Austin's work ~ It was great! He is really doing well and everyone I talked to about him gave him glowing reports.

I have been suffering from my depression for a while now. I can't seem to snap out of it. Of course, all of this job disappointment doesn't help. I just don't know what is wrong, so I can's seem to snap out of it. I need to see a psychiatrist and so does Austin but there isn't one in town. We would have to drive over an hour to get to one and that just does not sound appealing to me :( So we are just making it hoping that one opens. I really hope someone comes here. We need it desperately.

We had a break in our money situation, found some extra money in our savings account, not much, but it's enough to make do until next week. Thank the Goddess!

Leaving you with this song by 3 Doors Down ~"When I'm Gone":

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...
Or maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I amAnd everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I couldI'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone...Love me when I'm gone...

When your execution X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

Thank you Jacquelyn!

2008-10-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Jacquelyn i have this awesome header. Now I feel at home here. Thank you so much sweetie!

Well things are going okay here .... I don't have a job right now and have been looking. The last few jobs haven't worked out for one reason or another so I am diligently hunting for something that will work. Maybe I am being too picky.

Going thru some money problems right now. See we bought me a new car ~ a 1992 Honda Accord and it's thrown us off our budget just a little. So it will take us a bit to catch back up.

Sharing a quote from the great Shawn Spencer of Psych: "Wait a minute Doogie. Is that a juice box and does it come in grapealicious?"

I just love that show.

Another new show addiction is True Blood, the new vampire series on HBO. It is really good, even got Jacquelyn into it!

Anyway, that is about all that is going on here. Austin is doing good .... he has been doing okay in school. They have added counseling and speech therapy to his list of services and so far he seems to be doing well. I am really impressed with this school!

Will post more later ~

'Til the next haunt ......

New blog

2008-10-07T09:51:00.001-07:00

Is coming soon, once i get this place figured out!